Seeking 2026

Eucharisteo

2012-01-18T11:41:00.000-08:00

Four months ago, I wrote concerning my own conviction, that hoping in heaven should be met with thankfulness and rejoicing over each day my heart quickens. Today, in this moment, I am undone.

Today we once again drove downtown, navigated the beige labrinth to Lily's Pediatric Internal Medicine Infectious Disease Specialist. And there, heard the sweetest of words.

"Lily seems like a healthy child who, for a few months, got very, very sick."

No more scans.

No more blood draws.

No more doctor appointments.

No more waiting rooms.

Thank you, Jesus.

Thank you for the blur of blonde pigtails racing to rip snowpants off the coat rack.

Thank you for cool, dry foreheads.

For noses white with whipped cream and hot cocoa breath.

For the counter naked of the thermometer.

For that breath.

And that breath.

Thank you, Lord, for life abundant.

Prayer, Thanksgiving, and Lily

2011-12-28T22:00:00.000-08:00

If you go to the very first post on this blog, you will see that it was created for Lily. Though she didn't have a name yet, we were looking for a way to chronicle what we knew would be our last pregnancy. Even after our first daughter, Jaime, was born in fetal distress at 29 weeks, and our fourth daughter, Tirzah, was stillborn, we had no answers as to what continued to go so severely wrong with our pregnancies. We'd made the decision that we would try for one last (eighth) time, and try to give each day of it to the Lord. And so we did, desperately. Each day, I endeavored to thank God for her heart quickening inside me, for one more day with her, and rest knowing that God numbers the days of every one of us, and I could rest in His sovereignty.

This last year, He has taught me this lesson again. Through Lily's hospitalization in June with pneumonia, and the heart sinking news that it was back in November, we've desperately tried to, each day, give her back to Him. Some days, better than others. Since November, as she's had continued nonspecific fevers and weight loss and general exhaustion, we've tested her for everything we can think of (and many things we never would have).

And tonight, I'm reminded of where we were at the beginning of her pregnancy. The dust has settled. We know many, many things she doesn't have. In spite of sweat tests and blood tests and CT scans, her illness remains a mystery. And so, we move forward, each day, trusting in His sovereignty. We move forward, praying desperately for our daughter, praying once again for life. Once again, we are left without a name for what it is we are even fighting, but also assured that we have a God who knows her and loves her and hears our prayers.

Throughout the months, I've captured numerous pictures that are part of Lily's story. Here's a few...

Our little diva getting breathing treatments in ER, June 2011:

Happily eating a cheeseburger while admitted for pneumonia, June 2011:

X-Rays at Rockwood, July 2011:

Pneumonia again, November 2011:

Getting a hug from daddy during her sweat test, December 2011:

Playing "I Spy" with Emily at Sacred Heart, December 2011:

Coloring at the pulmonologist's office, December 2011:

Brushing up on her patient history skills at the Pediatric Infectious Disease Specialist, December 2011:

Beauty beholds beauty, December 2011:

In six days, we celebrate five years of Lily Elianah Baker's life, and the "answered prayer" that she was and is. And we move forward. Waiting. Praying. Trusting. Thankful for each and every day.

The Greatest of These

2011-10-21T06:00:00.000-07:00

So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love. 1 Corinthians 13:13

October 21, 2004, my father ceased to abide. The malignant brain tumor that ravaged his body finally stilled even his heart. His life is no more. No more do my sister and I have our father. His presence in his grandchildren's lives is finished. His plans to complete another marathon, his intimate friendships, his painfully stupid jokes and love of cigars, his giftedness with apple pies and his soft smokey voice weaving elaborate tales around a campfire...all went to the grave seven years ago.

And yet.

And yet, his faith is no more. Seven years ago, it too ceased to remain. It ceased as he left his broken, earthly body and woke in the presence of his beautiful Savior. What we see partially, he sees fully. Faith no longer remains.

And yet, his hope is no more. No longer is he hoping for an end to the suffering here. There is no longer a fight, minute by minute, to walk in the Spirit. He is freed from sin. And most glorious of all, he is with God. All the time. Every day. For eternity. He can look upon Christ, behold His wounds, fall at His feet in overwhelming gratitude for the One who did what we could not. Hope no longer remains.

And yet.

And yet, seven years later, love remains. Love remains here, as we weep and hurt and remember. Love remains as our children grow and experience new things and I long for him to be here to see them. Love remains as his oldest daughter walks down the aisle with a handkerchief of her daddy's, even smelling of his cologne.

And love remains as my father is clothed in Christ's righteousness, praising Him for all eternity for what He did because of His great love for us. Truly, love is the greatest of these.

Therefore today, we rejoice. Not in cancer, not in a life lived with my dad's absence, not in the profound pain forever intertwined in the memories of those last days of saying goodbye. No, we rejoice in faith becoming sight. In hope becoming reality. In Love conquering sin and death and Love waiting to spend eternity with us.

Seven years ago today, my dad's life ended.

Seven years ago today, my dad's life began.

So Much Better Than...

2011-09-18T21:46:00.000-07:00

Today I stood in the church parking lot and wept in Loren's arms. It was relatively minor, in comparison to some of the things we've faced in marriage. We said goodbye to Jaime and Emily as they embarked on a three week cross country trip to Washington D.C. with their other family. Exciting times for them, but difficult for me to say goodbye.

It was only later that my stormy heart turned sentimental. Remembering back to that fall, nine years ago...

As a 21-year-old-divorced-mother-of-two-baby-Christian, finding a husband wasn't high on my list of priorities. While I'd agree with the "When Harry Met Sally" premise that a man and a woman can't be "just friends," Dan, Loren, and I pulled it off quite nicely. Dan and I had our three weeks of junior high dating earlier that summer, and we were both confident in the mutual decision that it was not the direction God was leading us. After a horrendous first impression, Loren and I were finally warming to each other enough that we could be in the same room. And so, all romantic feelings off the table, we were able to prove "When Harry Met Sally" wrong. We were, simply and without complication, just friends.

It was a sweet season. Playing UNO on my living room floor while Jaime and Emily slept in their bedroom down the hall. Hikes at midnight after I got off a swing shift at the hospital. Bowling, Veggie Tales, Bible studies that were way over our head. Riding to church together on Sunday mornings.

And then, that night. It was an entirely forgettable evening, making dinner at Dan's apartment, waiting for Loren to get off work so we could eat. Just as Loren walked in, I checked my voicemail. A message from Jaime and Emily's dad shattered me. Due to a change in job, he would be living in Oregon for the next several months and wanted to change our every-few-days schedule to every-three-weeks. Three weeks without seeing my girls? While I completely understood the necessity of the change, I was shattered.

I served dinner to the guys, and just sat there as emotions twisted my heart. There was so much to be thankful for in our custody schedule. Mike and Erika were great parents to Jaime, Emily, and their new baby Alyssa. Two years of schedule changes had always been met with flexibility and grace, never courts and decrees. I knew I owed it to them and the girls to say yes. And yet...my mother's heart broke.

Late into the night, we decided to go on a walk to the park. Once there, the guys started doing stupid tricks on the jungle gym. I stared at the empty swings, thinking of the empty weeks ahead. Crumpling on a picnic table, I wept.

I vaguely registered Dan and Loren coming over, putting their arms around me, telling me that God was in control and His plans were "good, pleasing and perfect." And then, in the quiet of the deserted park, Loren prayed for me.

In those moments, God began the slow revealing of His plan for us. Loren prayed aloud for the first time, completely unaware that the prayer would be for his future wife and daughters. I wept in the uncertainty of what God was doing with my life, of what the coming months would hold, never imagining I'd be engaged in only a few months.

Over the coming weeks, our interactions changed as gradually as the season. We still exchanged Bible verses and went bowling and watched Veggie Tales. We finally scheduled a time to hang out when Dan was at work. And in the middle of November, he picked up Jaime, Emily, and me for McDonald's and a midweek church service. Late that night, once the girls were asleep, we both confessed that we felt God leading us towards marriage.

I heard a song recently that brought tears to my eyes. "But everything I had to lose came back a thousand times in you." And so it has. All those years ago, the girls did go to Oregon, and for a season, our custody schedule did change. And yet, not only was God in it and got me through it, He also gave me the gift of my husband to walk alongside me in it.

Therefore today, mixed up in all of the feelings of excitement for Jaime and Emily and sadness in saying goodbye, there is also a deep thankfulness. Thankfulness for nine years of leaves swirling and seasons changing and crying over my girls in Loren's arms as he whispers truth and comfort in the midst of the pain. Thankfulness for God's providence, for His "good, pleasing, and perfect" will.

"This was not my plan. It's so much better than."

Andrew Peterson's song "Family Man":

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KixAGPNmGs0&feature=related

Thanksgiving and Rejoicing

2011-09-06T11:33:00.000-07:00

Six years ago today, I held my beloved fourth daughter for the first time. Memorized the feel of her miniature hand in mine and the weight of her swaddled form in my arms. Marveled at the shock of dark hair, at rosy lips and a perfect scrunched baby nose. Six years ago today, we said goodbye.

God has taught me much in those six years. Mostly, lessons in the hope and assurance we have in eternity, that on my darkest days here, it is that hope that I am to cling to. There has come an acceptance that pain is real and God is real and God is good and therefore I can breathe today. And in the pain, in the breathing in and out for the last 2,191 days, there has been hope. One day, the pain will stop. One day, babies will no longer die and mothers will not purchase balloons for cemeteries. One day.

I assumed, in that hope, that God had taught me what I needed to learn. Tirzah’s brief life was, in part, to teach me a very practical lesson. My hope lies not in this world and what it has to offer, but in eternity. Yet this year, this birthday, has me feeling like there is still more for me to learn. For a reason I can’t fully know, I am still here. Six years ago God stilled Tirzah’s heart while quickening mine. And for six years, I’ve risen from bed each morning, focused on raising our other children and being a godly wife to my husband and loving and sharing the gospel with those that I am in relationship with. I am still alive and therefore God is still working in me.

So, as we remember in heartbreaking detail the day that would forever change our family, I feel God pushing me forward. Hoping in heaven was the first lesson, one that I desperately clawed at sometimes. Now comes part two. Reconciling that hope, that yearning for Jesus to come and the brokenness of this world to be made new, with the conviction that I am still here, my heart still beats, and therefore I must meet that with joy and thanksgiving, rejoicing always.

Therefore today, there is thanksgiving. Thanksgiving for our beautiful brown haired girl who brought more love and more heartbreak than I thought any day could hold. Thanksgiving for the conversations we’ve had with our children about heaven, and their continuous expectation of being reunited with their sister. Gratitude for the wrestling over a God that is good and does good, even when babies die, and the rest in that conviction over the last six years. Gratitude for the incomprehensible bond that exists between parents when a child is lost, and the grace that has found us clinging to one another in the storms of this life. And finally, for God Himself. I believe God does bless us, and He does want to bless us, but that blessing? It is GOD. HE is the blessing. And so we are blessed. And so we are thankful. And so we rejoice. Even today.

On Cancer and Hope

2009-12-18T20:54:00.002-08:00

Six years ago, cancer made me grimace a bit. Say, "I'm sorry." Certainly feel sympathy for the person unfortunate enough the receive such a life altering diagnosis.

Then, for two years, I cried.

I cried as my daddy walked me down the aisle and gave me a big hug, then smiled as I married the man of my dreams.

I cried when my mom called to tell me my successful, intelligent father was unable to compose an email, was dizzy when running as he trained for a marathon, was confessing to her that he was worried that something was not right.

I cried on a Friday evening in Holy Family ER as we received the news we'd expected; we'd feared. A brain tumor.

I cried the following week as he underwent surgery, praying that as the skilled surgeon removed a portion of his left temporal lobe, he would not be forever changed.

I cried as we received word that the surgery was successful, the tumor was removed, and he was in recovery.

I cried later, home in Loren's arms, at the doctor's words to us in a secluded room. Glioblastoma Multiforme. An incredibly aggressive brain cancer with a life expectancy of one to two years.

I cried, alone, in the parking garage of the Sacred Heart doctor's building, after the bumps and clangs of the MRI machine battered my heart, and the appointments following told us the inevitable, that the tumor had grown, that there was a new tumor, that there was not much time.

I cried as the smallest, most meaningless things were taken. The ability to walk. The ability to talk. Sleeping in his own bed, in his own room. Each indignity brought fresh tears in the solitude of my car, my childhood bedroom, my home.

I cried when I heard the news that his pastor, Chris Merkling, came and preached the gospel to him, quoting Romans 10, and my dad, with his limited speech, professed Christ.

And I cried that last weekend, as the two men I loved most in the world, my daddy and my husband, sat on the deck in the cool October air and smoked one last cigar together. Inside, Jaime and I held each other, and she wept, "I'm going to miss grandpa." Me too, baby.

And finally, I cried as he miraculously overcame the insidious tumor long enough to awaken, squeeze my hand, look me and his youngest grandbaby at the time, Abby, in the eyes, and say, "I sure love you guys." His last words.

And so tonight, I cry again for a man who does not know my name, who I have never met. Matt Chandler is an amazing pastor in Texas who I've linked a few videos to. He was diagnosed with a brain tumor, and from the pathology report, it appears to be the same aggressive form that my dad died from. I cry for his wife, for his small children, for a church whose hearts must be breaking as the news continues to get worse for him. I cry that words like chemo wafers, gamma knife, and astrocytoma will become routine.

And I cry from the hope of his message, recorded before he went into surgery, that I just summoned the courage to watch tonight, after prodding from Loren and other friends. It's the hope we cling to, even in the midst of an impossibly aggressive brain cancer with no cure, very little treatment, and unfortunately, no hope.

But even as I cry, this is NOT where our hope is. My dad's hope was not in his physical body before cancer, and it wasn't after. Our hope is in Christ. I pray that you will take four minutes to watch the video of a man staring in the face of a death sentence. And that you, too, will find hope in something much, much bigger than yourself.

http://fm.thevillagechurch.net/blog/pastors/?p=363

Thankfulness

2009-12-18T20:54:00.001-08:00

There are few things as ruthless and refreshing as Montana air in the winter. Here, somewhere between Butte and nowhere, time and space lose their traditional definitions. Today is thanksgiving and I am thankful.

Loren. My best friend. The one who I wanted to play cards with and go on hikes with and sing loudly in the car with seven years ago, when you were the quirky guy who somehow seemed to see me as I saw me. Not an object, not a conquest, but the goofy girl from Seven Mile who grew up making mud slides and riding horses. I love that we can still play dumb made up games and fall asleep holding hands. When I read to the girls of prince charmings and happily ever afters, it's you who have made me believe in them.

Jaime. My unexpected firstborn. You taught me how to love someone more than I thought possible as the days stretched into weeks in a sticky hospital bed. You taught me how to make a three pound infant breathe again. You made me appreciate the smallest of blessings, as I held you days after you entered the world, carefully maneuvering your wires and tubes and holding my breath as I prayed for your breathing to continue. Each year you are with us is a little victory. Every cartwheel at gymnastics, report card, and conversation late at night in the stillness of the sleeping house is a gift that, after nearly eleven years, I still dare not expect. Your very presence in my life is evidence of God's grace.

Emily. I was speechless when you entered the world, and nothing has changed in nine years. You fulfilled every girlhood dream of motherhood. The day you entered my life remains my perfect day. From the sweet pain of your birth, to the feel of your moist warmth in my arms seconds later, to taking you home the very next day, you gave me everything I grieved for the first time I gave birth. My sweetest memory of you remains the minutes when everyone left our bedside, and the two of us were alone for the first time. I lay there and marveled at your impossibly small fingernails, your scarlet lips, and fell deeper in love than I thought possible. You teach me to expect the unexpected, to dream dreams and hope hopes. You are quickly becoming not just a daughter, but a friend. I love singing off key to worship songs on the long drives to and from school and talking about Jesus with you.

Abigail. When I became pregnant with you, everything was new again. You were a great adventure undertaken by two people dumb and in love. I ran screaming down the stairs when I first learned of the life growing inside me, and everything with you has continued to be exciting. You entered this world and clung to us. Your first night home, you slept on your daddy's chest, nestled in the comfort of his arms. Five years with you have taught me tenderness, of the joy of burned toast and lukewarm tea and limp flowers. I love being able to say "Remember when..." and knowing your daddy will remember, from day one. I hold you tightly, in my arms and in my heart, loving that I don't have to let you go.

Tirzah. Our longed for fourth daughter. Before church one Sunday, we found out of your life inside me, and we wept and thanked God and first prayed for you. I clung tightly to your little life, with ultrasound pictures on the refrigerator and the sound of your heartbeat on the doppler sweeter than the most gifted orchestra. When we chose your name, it was a beautiful marriage of a girl blessed with a second chance in the Bible, as well as a girl given a second chance in my favorite novel. You were to be our Christmas gift, born only two days before we celebrated the birth of our Savior. The morning I did not feel you move, my "worst" was a preterm birth like your big sister. God used the agony of bringing you into the world, holding your still form, of playing with toes and stroking your hair and saying goodbye, to show me that even my darkest, scariest imaginings are not beyond the scope of His love and comfort. There will always be an empty place at our table. I will always pause when someone asks how many children I have. And heaven will forever be sweeter with the hope of the reunion that awaits one day.

Lily Elianah. Our answered prayer. Every day, every minute of your pregnancy, I worked to give you back to God. I held you loosely and chose to be thankful for each day your heart quickened inside of me. I cried when the test results were bad. I cried harder when they were good. Week after week I fought for you with nonstress tests and ultrasounds, closing my eyes and taking comfort in soft movements and God's sovereignty. When you came into the world, blue and silent, I once again gave you over to your Heavenly Father. Those first cries, so hard fought, were bells. Every day with you is an adventure. I hope I never get used to your little pink pajamas, the way you call me "mommy." After nearly three years, we still call you our baby, and even as you grow, I still see you as the baby I never thought I'd get to hold, the one to complete our family. You remind me that even in the pain of this life, there are ribbons and butterflies and little girl kisses.

The past. Thanksgivings spent at Hill's Resort with the Currer family, skiing out our cabin door and falling into a deep sleep beside Stacy, thinking we would all live forever. The bittersweet holiday, years later, when we knew that it would be our last as a nuclear family as my dad's brain was slowly overcome by the cancer that ravaged it. Staying at Loren's apartment our first Thanksgiving, talking nonstop across the miles that separated us as he spent Thanksgiving in Montana with his family. Bringing Jaime and Emily there to meet them weeks later as he prepared to ask me to spend the rest of our lives together. Hours spent in my childhood kitchen, working alongside my mom to prepare food, learning about cooking and service and Biblical womanhood from the woman that remains who I aspire to be as a mother.

The present. God's provision. The amazing kids and volunteers at Youth For Christ that make us laugh and cry and ultimately look more like Jesus. Carpooling five kids to and from school and watching two two-year-olds besides and reminding myself of the years I yearned to do just that. Tim and Summer and Sara and Travis and Karen and Steve and Ben and Brenda and Doug and Heather and Steve and Wayne and Jaymie and Bianca and Brian and Holly and Trish and Carey and Jim and Sara and all of the other beautiful friends God has brought into my life. My stepdad Larry and Cheryl and Irene and Mark and Mason, and the cord that somehow seemed to draw us together as a family again. My EMT certification, a second chance and a balm to the wounds left from cancer and stillbirth and the inability to save.

And finally, to my Maker, who has given me more than this page could ever contain. To Him belongs the praise for the family laughing inside, for the family gathering without us in Havre and Spokane, for the 29 years blood has coursed through my veins and He has worked in my life. Looking out at the snow capped mountains in the distance, my heart is full in my chest. I am thankful.

My Story

2009-12-18T20:51:00.000-08:00

Note: After originally writing this, it was pointed out to me that I never resolved the story with my ex-husband. While I deliberately omitted the negative details of our marriage, I did him a huge disservice by not finishing his story. After divorcing, he married an amazing woman, Erika, who has loved our children as her own in a way that humbles me and makes me see God's grace all the more clearly. They've been together for about eight years now, and while co-parenting is never easy, their flexibility and generosity and acceptance make it as glorifying as I can imagine. They continuously challenge us to be better parents in their love and devotion to the girls. So Mike and Erika, I apologize for not finishing YOUR story. For just as mine didn't end when we divorced, Mike, neither did yours. I'm incredibly sorry for giving the impression that you are anything other than an excellent husband and devoted father to the girls.

On November 4th, I spoke at Young Lives, a local ministry to teen moms in Spokane that I am involved with. Here is my own story of teen pregnancy, broken dreams, hope, and a future...

Seven years ago this week, I celebrated my 22nd birthday and was given this ring. A promise ring, promising sexual purity until marriage, coupled with a mother’s ring. A strange combination, admittedly. To understand, let me back up a few years.

At seventeen years old, I met my prince charming. I was living with relatives due to my dad’s unpredictable behavior and alcoholism. I pretty much did as I pleased, coming home only when my friends had all reached their curfews. It was not a big surprise to find, at the end of my junior year of high school, that I was pregnant.

Things from that point forward were fairly predictable. Fifth in my class in high school didn’t mean much when I dropped out early into my senior year. One week after my 18th birthday, I married the father of the child, a 21-year-old I’d met on a camping trip. Two months later, my first child was born.

Teen pregnancy is an unusual place to be. On one hand, just because you suddenly find two lines on a stick does not make you grow up the way one would expect. I still wanted to play games with my friends, talk about boys, and listen to music. None of that had changed. Unfortunately, I was entering a stage of life my friends were not. They weren’t excited about maternity clothes and baby names. They weren’t going to OB appointments. They didn’t understand the changes happening to me.

And frankly, I didn’t understand them. One minute, I wanted everyone to sympathize with me and how my fragile world had just been rocked, again. I wanted to be grownups and discuss colors for my new home and show them ultrasound pictures. Then, the next, I just wanted to be a teenager, and why couldn’t they let me forget for just one second everything that had happened?

On top of that, there were the hormonal changes that only intensified my already strong feelings. I felt intense guilt for everyone I let down. My parents, my teachers, my friends. All I could see was how my future had suddenly changed. College applications were left unfinished.

Worse were all the things I chose to believe about myself. I was a high school dropout, a teen mother, an unfortunate statistic. I’d willing chosen to trade in a future for a husband I barely knew with a job that would barely support us and a baby I didn’t know the first thing about caring for. There was no “I’m sorry” that would get me out of it. The future was dark, scary, and nothing like what I’d pictured my life being.

And, I believed in addition to letting down everyone in my life, I’d let down God, too. I knew enough about the Bible to know what it said about sex outside of marriage, and I figured that I’d blown it. Maybe by the world’s standards I was doing the “right thing” by getting married, but in God’s eyes, I’d sinned, and the result of that would be with me the rest of my life. I stopped going to church. I stopped reading my Bible. The idea of going to youth group pregnant was laughable. I made plans for a wedding, plans for a baby, and tried to not think too hard about the plans that I’d had only weeks prior.

So there I was. 18 years old. Married. A mother. Seven months after my first daughter Jaime was born, I became pregnant again, and soon I was caring for two small daughters. We separated two and a half years into the marriage. I was now a 20-year-old single mother of two.

I managed to get a good job at a local hospital, and custody arrangements were worked out. When I had my kids, I devoted myself to them. We fed ducks at Manito Park. I bought a sandbox and teeter-totter for my backyard. I put together a barbecue with only a butter knife, which is still probably the single accomplishment that I am most proud of. On the outside, it looked like I had adjusted and was doing well.

Inside, though, I felt worse than ever. I foolishly believed that if I’d only been skinnier, prettier, a harder worker, my marriage would not have failed. I self medicated the pain with alcohol and late nights with coworkers at bars, more often than not going home with one of them. I was the one in control, and I found myself hurting and rejecting guy after guy, as though I’d reach some point where I would finally feel good about myself.

And for awhile, it worked and I believed all the lies I was telling myself. Until May of 2002, when I lay in my bed, alone, miscarrying the baby of a guy I barely knew. Finally, after four years of burying all of the pain and disappointment and rejection, everything came to the surface. I wept and cried out to the God that I had believed I had no right to approach.

And amazingly, to my disbelief, He answered. As I lay there, broken physically and emotionally, I became a new creation in Christ. Romans 10:9 says that “if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.” Finally, four years after first becoming pregnant, I was ready to admit that I was alone, I was scared, I needed help, and what I was doing wasn’t working. “Sin” may seem like an old fashioned word, but it basically means rebelling against God. The guilt that I had carried with me was guilt over deliberately disobeying what I knew to be right. And try as I may, there was no way I could ever obey. I’d proved I couldn’t. I saw, finally, that my life didn’t end when I got pregnant. I was born a sinner, it was who I was. It’s who we all are. And the beautiful thing about it is that Jesus came and died in our place, that everyone who believes on Him would be saved. Everyone. Even single, divorced moms who thought their lives were over. Finally, unimaginably, I had hope.

The next few months were not easy. None of my friends understood the change in me, why I no longer wanted to go out drinking or have another in a long line of boyfriends. They called me holier than thou, a fanatic, and made fun of me both behind my back and to my face. In their place, I developed two strong friendships with two other very new believers, two boys named Dan and Loren. The three of us would get together several evenings a week to go bowling, hike, study the Bible, and watch Veggie Tales, and would attend church together on Sunday mornings. With friends at my side, it was easier to field the inevitable questions that came from people about my kids and relationship status. I learned, along the way, that most of the Christians I met didn’t judge me for the decisions I made but honestly wanted to get to know us and help where they could.

Which brings me back to the ring. November 6th, 2002, I received one small box from my parents, containing a white gold ring with the birthstones of Jaime, Emily, and myself. Inside was inscribed Jeremiah 29:11, which says, “For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” It was my promise to God, to give him my little family, my heart, and my body, and a promise from Him, that He still had plans for my life, good plans, to give me a hope and a future.

One week later, Loren sat me down and told me of his feelings for me, and his desire to pursue marriage. We were baptized together the following March, and we were married two months later. That day he came with three rings, one for me and each of my girls, promising to love each of us as God has loved Him. Six years later, he placed another ring on my finger, with a stone for each of our five daughters, four here on earth and one up in heaven. The same verse is inscribed on the inside, a reminder even now that God is faithful and His plans are good.

And so tonight, I have to ask, do you have that hope? Do you believe that there is a God that has good plans for you, that you have hope in the future? Or like me, have you decided to believe instead that any future you may have had is now over, that your life is now limited to the consequences of being a teen mom? I know how hopeless the future can seem, how worthless you can feel, how overwhelming life can appear. But the last 11 years have shown me there IS hope, and that hope is found in Jesus. If you don’t have that hope, would you pray with me?

Dear Jesus, every single one of us here has rebelled against you. Some of our lives hide it better, but every one of us is a sinner, and we all need you. Please forgive me for all of the times I’ve messed up and chosen to do things my own way. I want to do things Your way. I want the hope and future that you promise. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

On Social Awkwardness With Five Year Olds

2009-06-24T16:49:00.000-07:00

"So, being affectionately desirous of you, we were ready to share with you not only the gospel of God but also our own selves, because you had become very dear to us." 1 Thessalonians 2:8

This week, I'm volunteering with Vacation Bible School. With five year olds. Those of you who know me well are laughing right now. To say that it's not the age group I prefer is a pretty big understatement. Yet I've been unexpectedly blessed, not just by the children (who have turned out to be pretty awesome), but also by the leaders. One in particular is Carey, the pastor in charge of the week. His joking around and playing games with the kids seems so natural, and he always has a smile on his face. Somehow I can't picture him rushing home afterwards and throwing himself on his bed like I do.

Yet, honestly, that's not a huge surprise to me. I knew, signing up, it would be work. I'm socially awkward around five year olds. I don't really know what to say ("So...how's your day?") or how to relate to them, even though I have one. The best I can do is be schooled at playground games (I suck at throwing a frisbee) and try to smile and laugh instead of standing awkwardly against the wall.

But here's the point. Today, after sleeping off the exhaustion of the morning, I called Loren and asked about having a few of the YFC boys over tonight. It's been a stressful week and I thought it would be fun to hang out. It was only after confirming plans that I realized, essentially, what I would be doing tonight was more "ministry." I look around my house and see countless signs of high school kids. The camera they used to make a school project, and the fun it was to witness taking pictures of oil and vinegar and hairspray on fire in our driveway. The homemade bass that one of the boys gave Loren. The variety of sodas that are continuously stocked, waiting for spontaneous game nights. The stack of board games on the hutch that represent hours of missed sleep, mockery, and countless YouTube songs to entertain us between turns.

God reminded me today of those verses from 1 Thessalonians. That these youth have become very, very dear to us, to the point of being ready to share with them our own selves. Other versions translate the verse "our very lives." In the years of doing youth ministry, much of it has ceased to become ministry, and rather, our very lives. These kids break our hearts with their bad decisions, never fail to ruin a long awaited date night, and more often than not are the subjects of the prayers that bring me to tears. But they also have given me countless laughs (many at my own expense), immeasurable joy at celebrating the victories of driver's licenses, passed classes, and decisions to follow Jesus, and love and affection more than I thought possible.

So tonight I'll stay up too late playing Ticket to Ride with teenagers, eating quesadillas and being endlessly mocked. And tomorrow I'll get up early and gird myself up for three more hours of five year olds, knowing that while I may not be able to understand the inner workings of young children, I still have the amazing privilege of being a part of the sharing of the gospel of God and our own selves. And that, no matter where you are called, is the unbelievable blessing of ministry.

Dear Tirzah

2009-05-25T20:24:00.001-07:00

Dear Tirzah,
Today is Memorial Day, which I'm pretty sure originated as a day to honor fallen soldiers, but today I have been filled with thoughts of you. Funny, during the mundane days of paying bills, packing lunches, and chauffeuring kids to and from school, the pain lessens to only a dull ache. It's during holidays, vacations, and family times that I notice the empty place at our table, the extra seat in the van, the missing place in our family. It's then that the pain rises up, reminding me that our family will forever be incomplete, that there will always be an empty chair at our table, no matter how full.

And yet, I find peace in remembering. I'm thankful for times with your dad, and sometimes close friends, who allow me to talk about you, to tell your story. I can vividly remember your nurses, their names and faces, can walk down that hallway in the corridors of my mind. I can recall the moist warmth of you through your gown and blanket, can fool my brain into feeling the weight of you in my arms, the silkiness of your hair, the softness of your hand in mine, can see that dim, peaceful, agonizing hospital room.

After three years, though, I have stopped avoiding little girls your age. I can drive past the cemetery without my breath catching. And now, memories of you can sometimes make me smile, not just weep. I've always known that you aren't "an angel," but now I also know that you shouldn't "be here," "be three years old," etc. You taught me more about God's sovereignty than all of the books I've read, all the sermons I've listened to, all the discussions I've had. Ever so slowly, He is revealing His purpose for your life, however short.

And through other losses this week, I'm marveling anew at the beauty of the Cross and the hope of heaven. It's an amazing thing, that you, precious girl, who we prayed for and longed for and gave birth to, are now seeing fully what the rest of us are still longing for. You, my love, make heaven that much sweeter, knowing that one day I will not only see Jesus face to face, but also see you.

Until then, the familiar ache of your absence will continued to be felt in our family. Your sisters will continue to talk about you, your picture, blanket and gown will remain in the hutch with your sisters' things, and you'll forever be our fourth daughter. And that, my beloved child, is what I remember today.

Love,
Your Mom

On Biblical Community

2009-03-13T13:41:00.000-07:00

Lately, I've been thinking about tattooing my forehead.

Here's my reasoning: I think, if we all walked around with our needs tattooed on our foreheads, we'd be much more apt to reach out to one another. Think about it. Downstairs in fellowship after church, you greet the acquaintance you chat with every Sunday. Instead of the standard, "Fine, thanks," you can see that what she needs is $50 to pay rent. Or babysitting so she can go on a date with her husband. Or even just a nap. We could, in a very straightforward manner, find needs we were able to meet and fill them.

Unfortunately, not too many of us would sign on to the tattoo idea. So what is the answer? I have a few ideas. First, prayerfully looking for areas to help. My mother is amazing in this area. In the last week, she's given Loren and I a date night, taken Abby shopping to get her out of the house and give me a break, cleaned out my fridge in the midst of my bouts with nausea. Amazing. Knowing exactly what I need without me saying a word.

Secondly, we need to be in Biblical community. Frankly, if we never get beyond the superficial questions and answers that seem to fill our conversations, we will never feel safe enough with one another to have the transparency necessary to not only ask for help, but know when to offer it as well. Our family has met once a week with the same group of people for about six months now. In that time, we've studied Scripture, shared our struggles with sin, laughed and cried about difficulties in marriage and parenting, and fostered friendships that I pray will last long after our group decides to go our separate ways.

Which is why today had me thinking a lot about the book of Acts. A dear, amazing brother in Christ from our group showed up with bag after bag of groceries for us. As far as I know, his family had no idea that a few days ago my grocery trip was rapidly aborted as I rushed home, throwing up, and lay crying on the couch, unable to even get the few groceries I'd managed to buy upstairs due to the migraine I've been fighting for weeks now. Yet here he stood on my doorstep, blessing me beyond words.

Biblical community. It's what we are called to, far beyond simply sitting in a pew on Sunday mornings. It is where we find the relationships that sustain us in the valleys, rejoice with us in the victories, and pray for us whether we think we need it or not. Which, I concede, makes much more sense than tattoos.

An Encounter With Grace

2009-03-04T17:44:00.000-08:00

Today was bad, by most people's standards. It started at 6:30 this morning, taking the cats in for shots, microchips, and getting "fixed", rushing to get home before Loren left for Oregon for three days. It only went downhill from there, as we got more bad news from the mechanic, to the tune of over $400. Lily screamed and defied. I went through the juggling act of potty training, babysitting, and trying to medicate myself through the cycle of migraines I've been fighting for weeks, fielding phone calls from my doctor trying to schedule a neurologist referral. By the time I was on the way back from the vet, following yet-another tantrum from the two year old, I was queen of my own pity party, bemoaning finances, toddlers, and full time ministry. My prayer was simple: "Lord, redeem this day."

The answer was unexpected. As I pulled into McDonald's for my cop-out-dad's-out-of-town-dinner, a homeless man stumbled trying to step up onto the sidewalk, and lay sprawled on the frigid concrete. The first car whizzed by, oblivious to this invisible man. I pulled alongside him, compelled to stop. I was able to get out, help him up, and start to talk to him. He said he was okay, that I should just take care of my car, and that he didn't want to go to Union Gospel Mission. I asked a couple times if I could buy him dinner; reluctantly, he agreed.

I rushed through the drive through line, scouring my car for anything more I could offer him than a couple of Big Macs. My search turned up two hand warmers, a card for the mission, and five dollars in cash. I couldn't help but think of the loaves and the fishes.

Loot in hand, I made my way back to where he waited. Approaching him, I offered my pathetic gift and asked if I could pray for him. He told me his name was "Henry," said conversationally that he prayed all the time but I was welcome to pray for him too. I put my arm around his dirty frame and asked God to fill him with peace, comfort, and a saving knowledge of Him. Afterward, I reminded him of Christ's love (which he affirmed that some days was all he had), told him to take care of himself, and left the parking lot. As I pulled back into traffic, I burst into tears. This same street, traveled only a few minutes before, seemed so different. I drove a warm car, dressed in warm clothes, with my (relative) health and the family that loves me.

It's easy to pray for comfort. "Lord, bless my marriage." "Lord, help with our finances." "Lord, restore my health." I pray, though, that each of you would have your eyes opened afresh to not only how incredibly, obscenely blessed each of us already is, but also to how little those around us have. May we never be a People that reduce our Christian call to going to church on Sundays, patting those brave enough to venture out into the world on the back and labeling them missionaries. And perhaps, in doing so, we would not need to have the Henrys of the world fall in our path in the midst of our pity parties, but that instead we would seek them out, anxious to share our time, our resources, and the love of Christ.

Humbled and Broken at His Extravagant Grace,
Megan

Messes, Large and Small

2009-01-23T13:56:00.001-08:00

This originally was just an email to Loren, but thought a lot of you moms out there could probably relate...

The house is quiet as I finish lunch. Empty bowl in hand, I pick my way across the minefield that is our dining room. Toys, dolls, an empty water cup litter the floor. Instead of the frustration that usually eats at me, I suddenly see our house with new eyes. The headband on the stairs makes me remember dreaming about being a mother, getting to do little girls' hair. The towels that spill from the dryer remind me of warm, wet little bodies, all pink and cuddly from their baths. And the ever-present chaos of toys, books, pillows, diapers, dishes, and DVDs that somehow seem to leave their homes as though repelled by magnetic force...well, they are a part of us, too. A part that goes well beyond the trite, "Count your blessings you have toys to play with." It's a mess. Our house, in its natural state, is a complete and utter mess. But today, as I survey the carnage, wondering where to begin, I think of the six of us that call this home. I picture Lily toddling across the living room with the bin of Playmobil pieces pressed against her chubby belly. I think of Abby running the length of the house, over and over, "esser-cizing." I think of Jaime and Emily, in intense concentration at the kitchen table, working on whatever craft their creative minds have dreamed up. And suddenly, picking it all up isn't such a priority. I see the mess, of course, but I also see the beautiful people whose lives are reflected in it. And it gives me a glimpse of how God, too, can see the mess, the utter chaos that is ME, and still love. At times, the mess does define us. In other seasons, my kids will learn to pick up, they'll understand the value of a wet towel on a towel bar, and they won't be so apt to scatter toys across any and every horizontal surface. But for now, in this season, I love them in spite of these things. And I pray, as I begin the endless task of picking up, that God would be merciful to continue helping me with the chaos in my own heart, trusting that as I too learn and grow, things won't always be quite this messy.

An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination

2009-01-21T13:16:00.000-08:00

Loren heard the author of the book, An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination, on the radio and ordered the book as a surprise for me. It is written by a woman whose first child was stillborn. I read it in two days. It was excellent, although not written from a Christian perspective. While pregnant, they jokingly named the baby Pudding, waiting to decide on a name until his birth. When he died, they thought it would seem odd to choose a name in death, so his death certificate actually has his name as "Pudding." Here's a few of my favorite excerpts from it:

"Every day as I love this baby in my lap, I think of my other baby. Poor older brother, poor missing one. I see the infant before me, the glory of the soles of the feet, the lips fattened and glossy with nursing, the nose whose future Edward and I try to predict daily. The love for the first magnifies the love for the second, and vice versa. Now what I think that woman in Florida meant is: lighter things will happen to you, birds will steal your husband's sandwich on the beach, and your child will still be dead, and your husband's shock will still be funny, and you will spend your life trying to resolve this."

"That is one of the strangest side effects of the whole story. I am that thing worse than a cautionary tale: I am a horror story, an example of something terrible going wrong when you least expect it, and for no good reason, a story to be kept from pregnant women, a story so grim and lessonless it's better not to think of it at all."

"Pregnant with Pudding, I wanted things simple, easy, low intervention. For my second child I would have agreed to anything, a simultaneous caesarean/induction/being-pounded-on-the-back-like-a-ketchup-bottle/forceps/extra-drugs/extra-pain delivery."

"Of course it occurs to me that Pudding might have lived if I'd stuck with either Dr. Bergerac or Dr. Baltimore. It's a low-decibel wistfulness; I can barely hear it over the roar of later, louder regrets. This kind is not so bad, the If I Did One Thing Differently, Then Maybe Everything Would Also Be Different sort, a vague, philosophical itch: yes, if life were different, then life would be different. Such thinking feels like science fiction, stepping on a bug in 20,000 BC and altering the course of history.

Other memories are more troublesome. Here's a length of time, my brain says, and then it stares, it sees an actual length of time suspended in the air, which then breaks into panels, as in a comic book. Here I am in one panel. I am in the line of danger, but I don't know it, I am living in the past: the past being defined by the fact that Pudding is alive, but not for long. In the next panel, seconds later, something is supposed to intervene. Superman swooping in, to - what? Deliver the baby? X-ray vision and superhearing are nothing special, every doctor's office comes equipped. Superman is supposed to come is all I know, so Pudding will persist.

But Superman never shows. I can see it so clearly. In one panel we are safe and stupid. In the next we're only stupid.

Those moments come later, toward the end of pregnancy."

For those of you who have been touched by the same sort of grief, I highly recommend it, if only to put the tangle of feelings into words. It's dark, but then again, it's a book about a child's death. Let me know if you read it.

Happy 10th Birthday, Jaime!

2009-01-11T12:37:00.000-08:00

Jaime, one of the reasons you are so special is because with you, everything is new. With you, I experienced the first thrill of seeing a flickering heartbeat on an ultrasound. I wore maternity clothes for the first time (and was EXCITED about it!). I first felt the amazing sensation of you kicking inside of me. You were the first to call me "mama," the first to give me sweet little girl kisses goodnight, the first to prance off to school, oblivious to your mommy's inner turmoil.

With the new joys, you also taught me about heartache. I learned all about fetal movement and amniotic fluid and high risk pregnancies. I went through the awful, mindblowing fear of your premature birth, and the sweet agony of witnessing a machine breathing for you and nurses recording your every heartbeat. And yet, even in that fear there was joy. The joy of finally holding you for the first time, days after your birth, and how impossibly small you felt in my arms. The joy of you nestled against me, skin to skin, oblivious to the alien world of the NICU. And, of course, the much anticipated joy of finally bringing you home, of being able to mother you after weeks of waiting.

And through the years, you continue to teach me. You've taught me that, when you have a baby with reflux, you must not only bring several changes of clothes for baby, but for yourself as well! You've taught me that there is such a thing as tick paralysis. You taught me the value of a day well spent, playing at the park or reading stories or playing barbies, and laying down at night in a messy house knowing that it was a perfect day. Each year, you teach me new and interesting things at The Oaks (it's getting harder and harder to help you with your homework, my dear!). And as you grow, I am learning that even now, I am being called to begin to let you go. I can't believe that the years that I have you with me are already over halfway behind us. And yet, in the midst of the sadness that you are growing up, I couldn't be more proud of the daughter you are becoming. You are smart, beautiful, and most important, you have a relationship with your Creator. What more could a parent ask for?

So happy birthday, our beautiful little miracle baby. We are so, so blessed to have you in our lives!

Happy Birthday, Lily!

2009-01-02T22:20:00.000-08:00

Our beautiful two year old... We recently gave her the book, "Love Song For a Baby." The words of the book sum up our full hearts on this, our "answered prayer's" second birthday...

Come my darling.
Come my dear.
Come hear a song about a baby,
a very special baby.
Come hear a song about you.

Before the first stars blazed in your sky,
before the sun ever kissed you,
before you cried your first cry,
we loved you.

When you came into our arms,
slippery as salmon,
puckered as prunes,
loud as a lion,
already we knew,
we loved you.

You had tiny hands with perfect little nails
and fingers like the petals of a flower.
And yes,
we loved you.

You came complete
with ten little toes
as sweet and pink as candies.
Certainly,
we loved you.

You had two eyes,
and one very small nose,
not much hair,
and no teeth at all.
Still,
we loved you.

Round cheeks,
a round tummy,
a round little bottom,
all made us
love you.

Your laughter was the sun.
Your smile, the moon.
Even your burps were bells,
since
we loved you.

So we snuggled you,
we juggled you,
we watched you while you slept,
because it's true,
we loved you.

We clapped with you,
we danced with you,
we dried your tears and soothed your fears.

We tossed you high,
we kept you dry.
Can you guess why?
We loved you.

You burst upon our world like a comet,
like birdsong
in the silver silence of dawn,
and how could we help
but love you?

We'd dreamed a baby,
we'd wanted a baby,
we'd planned for a baby,
we'd waited and waited and waited
for a baby,
until finally,
there was you.

And oh,
how we love you!

Looking Forward to Christmas

2008-12-05T15:01:00.000-08:00

Here are snapshots from a night when Megan had an epiphany about how to celebrate the season. Here are some smiles and the results.

Abby...never one to hide her emotions.

I love this picture of Emily and Lily. I think they may grow to be close friends.

And beautiful Jaime. Enough said.

And here is the finished product. I love my family. Doesn't Megan look good in green? I think she may have found her inner artist.

Thanksgiving...Boys and Guns

2008-11-28T14:35:00.000-08:00

So it has been a while but here is our latest attempt at blogging. We went to Montana to Loren Sr. and Linda's house and brought along three good friends, Joe, Tyler, and Juan. Loren's brother, Joel, came over and we did some hunting. It was a hoot.

Here is the day we hunted. Yeah...it took about an hour total from the time we left the house, shot the deer, gutted it, and drove back and began butchering. Only in Butte.

Joel...the great hunter. Right through the heart on one shot.

Joe...kissing the deer. (They are city boys you know.)

They did hold it while dad gutted it.

Megan questioning if we really did shoot the animal.

Did I mention dad let the boys ride the 4 Wheelers? I think they had a good time even if Juan almost got splatted.

Tyler, reporting for duty. He does have a driver's permit thankfully.

Juan reving up the engine.

Here's a great picture of Juan.

Overall it was a great time and God was good to give us time at the hot springs, playing marathon sessions of Puerto Rico, old school Nintendo, and even a night talking about the book of Jude.

Thank you grandpa and grandma for the time at the ranch. It was fun!

School Days...Speech Meet

2008-11-07T15:16:00.000-08:00

Here are some pics of Emily and her sister Alyssa on the way back from Moscow, Idaho after the regional Classical Christian school speech meet.

This was Emily's second straight year making it to Regionals. We are so proud of here. We stopped off at Steptoe Butte to take in the view. Wow.

On Scales, Sin, and Self

2008-09-10T14:48:00.001-07:00

Today I made a remarkable discovery. I weigh the same as I did three weeks ago.

What? Not remarkable? Let me back up. For the last couple of months, Loren and I have been trying to watch what we eat and get into better shape. And I stuck with it for awhile. But the last few weeks, I started to slip, and I stopped weighing myself. You see, I have a love/hate relationship with my scale. When I am eating well and losing weight, I love it. I jump out of bed in the morning to go see what I weigh, and the tenth of a pound that is probably a result of one less sip of water the night before excites me. But when I start eating my body weight in tortilla chips and washing it down with Twix bars, the scale starts gathering dust. Loren's excited words over the weight he's lost are filtered through my guilt and begin to sound like condemnation. I'm suddenly not so excited to see myself for what I really am.

Which got me thinking about my Walk. I tend to do the same thing with God. When I am spiritually patting myself on the back, following my self imposed reading plan, spending the extra minutes during my day talking to my kids about Christ, I'm pretty eager to open my Bible and search God's word. But then, I start to slip. I watch something dumb on YouTube instead of reading my Bible for a couple nights. I snap at my kids over and over for a few days. Satan attacks, blowing everything way out of proportion, making me that much more discouraged. I get defensive at the sight of my husband in the Word, having conversations in my head about my disobedience, imagining his disapproval. And suddenly, I'm not quite as excited to approach the Throne.

This afternoon has found me in prayer and repentance, realizing that God has not changed, in spite of myself. And when I finally take a deep breath and face who I really am, full of sin and self, I see Grace staring back. Which is way better than ANY number on the scale.

Happy 3rd Birthday, Tirzah Irene!

2008-09-06T20:55:00.000-07:00

It's hard to believe that it's been three years since our beautiful, dark haired little girl was born. While in years past, we've made a point of making the day very quiet and unscheduled, today was more of an average day. I slept a lot, having worked all night, and Loren went to training at the church in the morning. This afternoon, we went to the cemetery and, as has become tradition, sang "Happy Birthday" best we could through the tears and released balloons.

It was afterwards, however, that struck me. In the car, and later, over dinner (thank you Grandma and Grandpa for babysitting!) we began to discuss what the Lord had taught us through the life, and death, of our fourth little girl.

First and foremost, in both of our lives, is the assurance that God is enough. No matter what. If someone had told me as I stood in the cemetery burying my dad that I'd be back in less than a year to bury my daughter, I never would have believed that I could survive it. And yet, we did. As J.I. Packer said, "I have known God." He became real in a way that no amount of prosperity could produce. From those first hours, holding each other in the darkened hospital room, praying and crying and praying some more, God was there in a way I don't think either of us had experienced before. In the midst of suffering deeper than we could have imagined, God upheld us. He comforted us. And we were assured that we were not alone.

For me, maybe even more important was the fact that doctrine matters. Weird thing to get from the death of a child, I know, but follow me here. After Tirzah died, so many people tried to comfort us with hollow words. "She's an angel now." "God didn't want your baby to die." Etc, etc, etc. I realized that my faith was really my husband's faith, and the things that he had wrestled with and studied, I hadn't. I would exercise, listening to John Piper's exposition of Job on my iPod. Seriously. Wayne Grudem's Systematic Theology and R.C. Sproul and other theologians became salve as I studied the scriptures, desperate for answers to why my prayers for my little girl were seemingly not answered. I have come away with an understanding of God's sovereignty, of His love for us and for His glory. The questioning and wrestling and crying out in my grief have given my faith a grounding in TRUTH, not just emotion.

Thirdly, faith. Simple, right? But it is so easy to trust in only what we see, and when all we see is a hole, and a grave, and a few pairs of baby clothes to remind us of a life that is no more, then what? Very quickly, we had to put faith in the God of Eternity. Tirzah was with Him, as we will one day be. Then faith that His plans are good. Faith in prayer. Faith in conceiving another child, and faith in God when we were drowning in a sea of non stress tests and ultrasounds. Now, that faith comes in smaller things. Faith that God will continue to provide for our most basic needs. Faith in the leadership at our church as we become members. Faith that God will be glorified in the decisions we make about employment and education. Simple things, but things we can entrust to a God who has proven Himself faithful and kept our feet from stumbling.

So tonight, as we hold Tirzah's little gown and hat, touch the lock of hair on her birth certificate and marvel over the few pictures we have, it is with hope born of three years of wrestling, questioning, and ultimately, trusting.

Rev. 21:1 Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth; for the first heaven and the first earth passed away, and there is no longer any sea.
Rev. 21:2 And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, made ready as a bride adorned for her husband.
Rev. 21:3 And I heard a loud voice from the throne, saying, “Behold, the tabernacle of God is among men, and He will dwell among them, and they shall be His people, and God Himself will be among them,
Rev. 21:4 and He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away.”
Rev. 21:5 And He who sits on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” And He said, “Write, for these words are faithful and true.”

Love Megan...and Loren

Potty Training

2008-07-17T14:35:00.000-07:00

Lily is getting to be so grown up. She's saying a bunch of new words now, including "morning," "Bible," "thank you," and of course, "no." Typical terrible twos for you. She can throw a tantrum with the best of them, and gets easily irritated by our inability to understand what she wants. But she also smiles easily, loves to go to bed and loves to wake up, and often wakes us to the sound of her meowing into her baby monitor.

The other news is that she's beginning potty training. Like everything else, she either loves it or hates it, and if she hates it on a given hour then it's not worth the fight. But it's worked a couple times, and we have some great pictures for future boyfriends...

How I Spent My Summer Vacation (Part 3)

2008-07-17T14:20:00.001-07:00

For the last stop in our Montana tour, we spent the weekend near Butte, Montana with Loren's dad and stepmom, sister, brother, and niece. In about 48 hours, we went swimming in hot springs (twice), went to the folk festival (twice), set off a table full of fireworks, had a bonfire, rode horses and fourwheelers, and even found a few minutes inside for video games, ping pong, and air hockey.

Jaime, at Fairmont Hot Springs, about an hour after arriving in Butte. We were all worn out after a grueling five hour car ride, complete with vomiting children...

Megan and Emily in the pool
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Emily riding Shades

Jaime's turn

Abby's turn

Our niece, Alexis' turn

Emily and Abby holding hands, watching the horses

Lily didn't get to go too far, but she loved patting the horsie

Loren's brother, Joel, and sister, Skylar

Loren and Skylar

I was playing with the settings on the camera and got this one. The kids roasted marshmallows and ate smores, then they went to bed, leaving the grownups around the fire

How I Spent My Summer Vacation (Part 2)

2008-07-07T07:58:00.000-07:00

Last weekend we went to Missoula for a family reunion with Loren's mom's side of the family. We had a great time of catching up with family, swimming...more swimming...more swimming.

Family picture in the van as we pulled into Missoula. YAY the car ride is OVER!

Auntie Maridene reading to Lily

Three silly cousins, Emily, Alexis, and Jaime

Lily teethed most of the time we were there...

Loren and his mom chillaxin' in the hotel room

Group photo at the end of the trip. From left: Loren, Lily, Stepdad Frank, Alexis, Mom Dena, Abby, Emily, Jaime, Megan, and Brother Joel.

How I Spent My Summer Vacation (Part 1)

2008-06-29T22:31:00.001-07:00

I am ashamed it's been so long since I've posted anything, but here's our latest pictures from the last week...

Youth For Christ introduced us to this board game called Settlers of Cattan. Loren and I are both officially hooked now. Here I am playing with Leigh Anna, a YFC volunteer and one of the coolest people ever.

My mom, Sara, and me at the courthouse. Sara worked her butt off for a year to get to where she is at, and we were there to celebrate how awesome she is.

Four generations of McLellans: My grandma Lola, my mom, Sara, and me

Lily sacked out on the way to Grandpa and Grandma's house in Montana. Some wonderful people from YFC loaned us their cabin for several days, so we dropped the kids off at the grandparents house and got FIVE DAYS to ourselves!!

Our first night at the cabin, we walked down to check out the beach...

The next morning, surfing the internet on Loren's phone. I know, I know. I'm such a nerd.

Too lazy to actually get up from the couch, I shot this looking up at Loren.

A doe and her fawn joined us for dinner one night...

Pretty much the only time we got cleaned up, before going out to dinner at The Wine Cellar and walking on the boardwalk in Coeur d'Alene.

Loren on a boat on Lake Coeur d'Alene

Loren playing a game he affectionately calls "Hillbilly Golf." It was actually really fun.

After five days, we were so anxious to see the girls. We pulled into Superior, Montana, and Abby came running to greet us.

While we caught up with Grandma and Grandpa, Lily toddled around on the grass...

We got a group shot of the girls with the grandparents...

...then Abby went back to being a princess with her "wand."

After getting home from Montana, we went out to dinner at my parents house. Here's Auntie Sara with Georgie and Abby at the inlet, where we used to swim and make mudslides as kids. So many memories...

My mom with Aunt Cheryl and Grandma Irene (Larry's sister and mom), in front of my Aunt Rose's gorgeous garden.

Rubber Band Dummies

2008-03-31T18:23:00.000-07:00

So, we have this method for eating soft tacos in our house. Abby can't keep hers together, so we put a rubber band 2/3s of the way down it, and then when she eats to there we take it off and she finishes. Except, tonight, Abby must have been really hungry. Because all of a sudden her taco was almost gone and neither of us had taken the rubber band off.

Long story short, rubber bands are non toxic and will pass right through a child. The poison center guy was very nice, until he asked what happened. Then he could barely talk he was laughing so hard. Only in our house....

Here's some pictures we've neglected to put up for SO long:
Lily's first birthday!

Jaime slipped in the bathroom and ripped her leg open, requiring internal and external stitches. Here's a picture of it, once it was stitched up and you could no longer see the bone:

Funny picture of Lily. She's finally getting her other second tooth, and we got her a haircut, but she looks a little, ummm, neglected here:

Sara nicknamed Lily "Hill-Lily" because of her missing front tooth, dirty face, etc.

Emily's second grade history program. She did AWESOME! She doesn't have a shy bone in her body, and it certainly shows when she is on stage:

I stayed a few days at my cousin Jaime's, and we went on a walk. Lily fell asleep in the wrap I was wearing. Awww....

Jaime, age 9

Emily, age 7

Abigail, age 3

I love this picture, of the entire family, even Lily, reading Tom Sawyer

Abby, looking for eggs on Easter

Fun With Spices

2008-01-25T13:08:00.000-08:00

Last night, we were on the subject of youth games. Loren was saying that his mouth was so raw from eating eight saltines in two minutes. Anyway, after a quick internet search we found the "Cinnamon Challenge," where you have to eat a spoonful of cinnamon. Admittedly, this didn't sound like much of a challenge.

Please, if any of you decide to try this, video it for me. I would LOVE to see. Until then, here's Loren's attempt at debunking the myth...

Absolutely priceless.

Jaime's Story

2008-01-11T10:52:00.001-08:00

Happy 9th Birthday, Jaime Jeanne! The peripheral details in this aren't exactly accurate, as it was written for a creative writing class, but all of the reminiscing about Jaime's birth is very real. A bit is lost here, with the absence of words in bold, etc. that I am too lazy to go back and adjust after pasting this in, but you at least get the idea. So today, nine years after Jaime Jeanne first entered the world, here is her story....

“Where could they be,” I muttered, trying to avoid the rotten planks of wood. The hazy light filtering through the dirty window twenty feet away was not helping me find the box of ornaments any quicker. Stepping over a box of clothes from junior high, I came upon a dusty cardboard box.
Confused, I knelt down beside it, gingerly pulling back the flaps. As I peered inside, my heart constricted and I sank down onto the cluttered floor. Pink baby blankets and impossibly tiny ruffled dresses lay folded inside the worn carton. My breath caught as I removed a faded black and white sheet of glossy paper. An ultrasound photo.

“Megan, I want you to stay lying down while I go talk to someone about this.” The ultrasound technician hurried from the dark room, leaving me on my back with my shirt pulled up and my enlarged belly covered in thick goo. I looked imploringly at Mike, my husband, who stood beside me, still dressed in work clothes.
“Honey, I’m sure nothing is wrong. She just needs to show somebody else before they can tell you it’s okay to go.”
With that, I turn my head toward the miniature screen. A skeletal image of my baby’s face seemed to be looking right at me. After several contractions that morning, I sat with a sense of foreboding, willing my hands to loosen their grip on the sheet, waiting for news.
“Okay, I talked to my supervisor,” the tech said as she hurried in. I began to awkwardly sit up.
“No! Stay lying down, Megan. Due to your placenta’s placement, as well as the fact that your cervix is thinned and effaced, we’re going to need to put you in the hospital. It is looking to us like your body is preparing to have this baby.”
“How is that possible?” Mike asked, just a touch too loudly. “She’s only six months along.”
“I know. We don’t diagnose the reasons for this. In fact, I’ve crossed the line telling you as much as I have. I’ll call your obstetrician, Megan, and see what he wants us to do next. Just stay here and try to relax.”

I look once again at the photograph. December 28, 1998. The start of a two week hospital stay, full of ultrasounds, non stress tests, and anti-labor drugs that took away eyesight and the ability to walk. Shaking off the hazy memories of the time on magnesium, I look back in the box, spotting my hospital bracelets.

“Where are you?” I screamed into the phone as my opposite arm was jabbed with an IV needle.
“I’m on the freeway. Why?” Mike asked, obviously annoyed.
“Because I’m going to have this baby in less than ten minutes. Get here now!” I cried and hung up the phone. The room was slowly filling with doctors: my obstetrician and family doctor, the high-risk pregnancy specialists, the high-risk infant specialists, and the residents on the hospital floor who were merely excited for a new experience.
“Megan, it’s time,” the nurse said as they wheeled me out of my room and down the hallway to the operating room. Everywhere I looked there were faces filled with pity and concern. Mary Anne, my nurse, reached down and took my hand, silently communicating that this would be okay.
Inside the operating room, people moved faster and faster, until they stopped explaining to me what was happening and simply worked. I heard the scratch of Velcro as a nurse secured my arms perpendicular to my chest on the operating table. Heart and lung monitors were attached to my chest, and a brace placed under my chin so that I would not aspirate during unconsciousness. I gasped as a cold splash of iodine covered my abdomen. As they were about to place a mask over my face, I began to sob.
“Please, let Mike come in here. PLEASE,” I begged. They informed me that for liability purposes he could only come in once I had lost consciousness. With that, they instructed me to count backwards, starting from ten. I never reached five.

I wipe my wet cheeks, my mind still back at the hospital. Waking up in recovery with my abdomen on fire from the cesarean section. My family and Mike’s crowded around the bedside while Mike fed me ice chips. In and out of consciousness, asking over and over if we’d had a boy or a girl, not remembering having previously awoken. Finally that night being wheeled down to see my firstborn, a two pound thirteen ounce baby girl.

“Oh my gosh,” I whispered. Somebody had set a Beanie Baby next to her, and she was not noticeably bigger. An IV was inserted into her umbilical cord stub, the only vein large enough for the mere fraction of a CC of nutrients she received per day. Here eyes were covered from the bright lights above her, used to prevent jaundice. A machine beeped continuously as it monitored her oxygen saturation and pulse through sensors on her chest. Every once in a while the beeping would become more shrill and insistent as she ceased to breathe, bringing nurses in to gently pat her, waking her enough that she drew a breath.
I closed my eyes to keep from crying, took a deep breath, and looked back. “Hi, sweetie. I’m your mama.”
I reached my hand out to touch her wrinkled red skin, but pulled back. The doctors had instructed us that preemies hated touch; being held was completely out of the question at this stage. I longed to smooth her matted brown hair, which still hadn’t been washed. Instead, I collapsed into the wheelchair and let the nurse push me back to my room.

I sigh and stare at the walls of the attic, blinking hard.
“Megan, where are you,” Mike yelled up to me. “Can you find them?”
“Yeah, I got it. I’ll be there in just a minute.”
Looking back into the box, not quite ready to leave, I spot one more thing: a little pink and white plaid jumper.

“Look at how cute she looks,” Mike exclaimed as we both giggled uncontrollably. There sat our little four pound Jaime Jeanne, in a navy blue hat with bear ears on it and a pink outfit with yellow flowers, completely dwarfed by her preemie car seat. My hand ached from signing form after form. Outside, the weather was unusually warm for a March day. I shook my head. We’d lost so much. First baths, nursing, being together through labor and the first time holding a new baby immediately after. There had been countless tears, sleepless nights, and endless vigils in the neonatal intensive care unit. Progress had been painfully slow, but victories impossibly sweet. And now, we were taking our baby home.

I smile as I begin to place items back in the box. Those next months were such a happy time after so many weeks of tension and stress. We’d go to the grocery store and people asked how many hours old our baby was, fawning over her big brown eyes and miniature body.
I reluctantly fold the flaps back down on the box, stand and stretch my aching back muscles, and look up to see the package I’d been looking for. Picking my steps carefully, I return to the ladder going back down to the rest of the house, just as Mike appears to help me.
“You really should have let me do that, honey. It can’t be good for you,” he admonished as I climb down.
“I’m fine,” I say. In the living room, a flash of movement behind the tree catches my eye. I reach out my arms to grab our tiny two year old. Jaime squeals as I awkwardly swing her around, landing in the chair with her on my knees. She pats my swollen belly with her petite hand, and says in her chipmunk voice, “Baby.”
Pulling her against me, I rock her as I was not able to before, and sing a song of joy to her and her little sister, due any day, who waits in my womb for the right time to enter this world. Laying my head back, I stroke my daughter’s hair and thank God for our perfect little girl, then drift off to sleep with her head to my chest, dreamily inhaling the beautiful scent of her.

Happy Birthday, Lily Elianah!

2008-01-03T08:46:00.000-08:00

Today we're celebrating a year with Miss Lily. So many times, after Abby was born, I doubted that the Lord would ever bless us with another child. All of the tears that came before have made the last year with Lily so, so precious. So today we rejoice again over this beautiful child, knowing each day we have with her is a gift from the Lord. Thank you Jesus for our answered prayer!

Christmas Pictures, Part 1

2007-12-28T11:44:00.000-08:00

As Christmas is lasting for most of the upcoming month, pictures will be done in batches, I guess. Here's the first part of our Christmas...

Anatomically Correct Snowman

2007-12-23T16:10:00.000-08:00

Another Abby story. Today she and daddy were building a snowman. Abby picks up a stick and jabs it into the bottom part of the snowman. "What's that?" Loren asked. "It's a daddy snowman. That's the thing he pees with," Abby answers. Loren convinced her that the snowman had clothes on, therefore you could not see that. Not satisfied, Abby took her finger and poked a hole in the snowman so it could still pee. Thanks to the three year old, we almost had the block's only pornographic snowman.

Funny Abby Story

2007-12-14T21:22:00.000-08:00

Tonight, Abby has changed her mind. The first half of the day she would only answer to "Princess Abby" and I had to call Lily "Princess Lily." Tonight, she has decided that she is Carrie from Little House on the Prairie. She just came upstairs for the umpteenth time tonight...

Loren: "Abby..."
Abby: "Carrie."
Loren: "Carrie, you need to go to bed now."
Abby: "I'm hungry."
Loren: "Carrie, tomorrow will be a long day on the farm. There's plowing to do and we have to watch the baby."
Abby: "Okay, pa. G'night ma." And off she went, back to bed.

OH MY GOSH WHOSE CHILD IS SHE???

Jaime's Poem

2007-12-14T21:21:00.001-08:00

The Fall Leaves
fun fun goes the leaves in the wind
rustling along they fly
they jump
they play all day
fun fun fun fun goes the leaves in the wind

My Personal Thanksgiving Rant

2007-11-20T20:01:00.000-08:00

In case you were wondering where I stand...

I read a post on myspace that hit a nerve tonight. Basically, a good dozen paragraphs boiled down to an exposition on the rights, and cruelty we humans direct towards, turkeys. Let me say that I have never pulled the legs off of a spider, killed anything under a microscope, or any of the stupid things that kids do. My parents raised me with a pretty good respect for animals. Do I eat meat? Yes. Do I know (and support) people that hunt? Yes.

Here's the thing. I do not believe in or endorse cruelty to animals. Could my turkey have been raised on a turkey farm and injected with hormones? Could be. But I only have been given so many minutes here on earth, and when I stand before Christ and give an accounting of my life here, I want to have more to show than a flock of turkeys. Maybe, one of these semesters, everything will line up for me to go to medical school, and someone else won't have the death sentence handed to my father in the form of a glioblastoma multiforme brain tumor. Maybe another couple will not have to sit, holding their dead baby, only to hear the words, "We don't know why." Maybe. Maybe not.

But across the world tonight, people in Bangladesh can't find thousands of loved ones from a hurricane. Approximately 126,000 abortions were performed TODAY ALONE. Here in Spokane, my husband is blessed to work with some of the smartest, strongest, most poor kids you'll ever meet. Their stories would shame your whining to silence.

So, on Thursday we will gather around a table in the middle of Montana and give thanks to God for another year. I will thank Him for my four beautiful children, my husband, my mom and my stepdad, for my sister, step brothers, and amazing family of inlaws that have adopted me as their own. I will thank Him for the last 365 days, in which He has brought us a new baby, a new job, a new church, and new friends. I'll give thanks for the dad that raised me and the baby that will always make our table feel a little empty, and know that every verse I read about heaven makes me think of them and every breath I take brings me closer to the day I am reunited with them. And most of all, I'll thank God that He saved me, by His Son, and therefore I am able to trust in His holy will, both around a Thanksgiving feast and in the darkest valleys of life.

And then, I will eat and celebrate and rejoice with my family, and sleep in peace, knowing that I am making a difference here, if not in the life of a turkey.

Emily's Speech Meet

2007-10-30T20:48:00.000-07:00

Here's video of Emily reciting her speech at school today. The winners from each class go on to recite their speeches in front of the entire school on Friday, and then travel to Moscow Idaho to recite their speech for another classical school, Logos. Guess what? Emily WON! We're so darn proud of that girl!

Typical Braggy Parents

2007-10-23T19:00:00.000-07:00

I know this probably is dumb to all of you, but I am so proud of Abby for doing so good with the catechism we are teaching her. I had to share. So here you go. Here's a sampling of the questions we are going through with her (we are only on chapter 7 of 39, so she knows about 25 questions). Enjoy, and forgive us for showing off! =)

Dad's Story

2007-10-21T14:31:00.000-07:00

I know I've shared this with many of you, but here it is again. I wrote this as my dad was dying of cancer, adding the last of it a few months after his death. Today, as my sister Sara and I remember him and remember his going home to be with Jesus three years ago this morning, it seemed appropriate to post.

“For I know the plans that I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11

“Your dad has been having...episodes...while he is running. He feels like he’s thinking of things to say but can’t get them out. One side of his body is going numb...”
“...collapsed after his run...”
“He tried to write an email today and it didn’t make any sense...”
“Go to ER.”

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me. Psalm 23:4

“We’re going to do a CT.”
“...found a mass...”
“Brain Tumor.”

I wait for the Lord, my soul doth wait, and in his words do I hope. Psalm 130:5

Purgatory.
Saturday morning. Neurosurgeon’s office.
“...the size of a golf ball...”
Purgatory.
Wednesday morning. Sacred Heart.
MRI.
Brain Mapping.
Purgatory.
“We’re ready for you.”
Goodbyes.
Purgatory.
Surgery waiting.
People come and go.
Waiting...and waiting...
“We’ve just reached the tumor site...”
Eating without tasting.
Talking about everything that isn’t on our minds.
And waiting...
“We’ve removed the tumor...”
Our own Garden of Gethsemane.
“He who began a good work in him will perfect it unto the day of Christ Jesus.”
Purgatory.
“We’re just finishing up. The doctor will see you soon.”
“Come into the private waiting room and we’ll talk.”

“My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?” Mark 15:34

“Glioblastoma Multiform. Cancer.”
“Radiation wafers, chemotherapy, more radiation...”
“Expressive aphasia...”
“Nothing we can do.”
“One year.”

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
Lamentations 3: 22-23

“We’re pregnant!”
“Dad’s coming to church with me.”
“Happy Thanksgiving!”
“Merry Christmas!”
“It’s a girl!”
“If you confess with your mouth, ‘Jesus is Lord,’ and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. Do you believe this?”
“Yes.”

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven. A time to be born and a time to die. Ecclesiastes 3:1-2

“He’s moving more slowly, more like an old man.”
“His speech is getting worse.”
“When he is asleep he stops breathing for eight seconds...fifteen seconds...twenty seconds...”
“...all natural tumor progression...”

Jesus wept. John 11:35

“...sleeping more and more...”
“Imminent.”
“I love you.”
“I love you.”
“I love you.”

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies, you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. Psalm 23

Motivation

2007-10-20T21:45:00.000-07:00

So...here is a super clip of Lily learning to crawl. Notice the adept utilization of the "third arm" (i.e., her head). Very clever.

Happy Early Halloween!

2007-10-10T12:20:00.000-07:00

One of the most fun things about kids is getting to dress them up in ridiculous outfits. Like Lily's Halloween costume, for example. I couldn't wait until Halloween to get her in it, so here's some early pictures...

Rejoicing

2007-10-04T20:13:00.000-07:00

Tonight, going through the catechism with the girls, we got to talking about accepting Christ. As we talked with the girls about what the Bible says about salvation, Jaime decided that she wanted to confess Christ as Lord. With all of us (minus Lily) surrounding her, she prayed, uncoached, "Jesus, I know that you are God and I want your Holy Spirit to come and live inside me. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins." She began sobbing (our little Jaime who does NOT cry). We asked her why she was crying and she answered, "I'm just happy."

Our beautiful Jaime Jeanne has the angels in heaven rejoicing tonight.

Rejoicing with them,
The Bakers

Happy Birthday Tirzah Irene!

2007-09-06T18:30:00.000-07:00

Tonight, of all nights, I read a pretty amazing blog. Why did the bridge in Minneapolis fall? Why do churches divide over seemingly petty arguments? Why, two years ago tonight, were Loren and I at Holy Family Hospital, lying together in the dark crying and praying for the strength to deliver our beloved fourth daughter directly into Jesus' arms? This is John Piper's attempt. to answer those questions.

What an amazing two years it has been. I can say, with my entire being, I have KNOWN God. And I've realized that sometimes, even as a Christian, it takes a dark hospital room in the middle of the night to bring you to the end of yourself, when you can do nothing but throw yourself on His abundant grace to carry you through.

He is good and does good. And while last year I was consumed with the "should be's" like "I should be buying balloons for a birthday party instead of a memorial service," this year we are resting fully in His arms, knowing that when the Lord knew Tirzah Irene Baker, before the beginning of time, He knew that she would forever be His (Psalm 139). I am amazed that our DAUGHTER is in the presence of our Lord, no longer seeing through darkened glass. And what a sweet blessing to know that, at the end of this life, we have the opportunity to meet her.

September 6, 2005, the Lord's mighty hand changed our lives forever. I pray that each of you, too, will KNOW God, no matter what circumstance you are in. We love you, and are so incredibly blessed to have you walking alongside us.

Once again, grieving with gratitude,
Loren and Megan and girls

"Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling, and to make you stand in the presence of His glory blameless with great joy, to the only God our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion and authority, before all time and now and forever. Amen." Jude 24-25

Bye Bye Tonsils!

2007-08-30T21:02:00.001-07:00

Today Jaime Jeanne lost a few pounds of tonsils! Check out the pictures. They were HUGE! She's doing pretty good tonight, although she is hurting a bit, even with lots of painkillers. With the kid's sweettooth, though, the next few weeks of popsicles and ice cream should be pure heaven.

Outside the clinic this morning....

This is LOREN'S thumb by Jaime's tonsils, for a size comparison...

Sleeping off the anesthesia after surgery

Thank you, Jesus, for holding our little girl through surgery!

Simple Pleasures (peas)

2007-08-24T23:12:00.000-07:00

Goodbye You Dirty Hippy!

2007-07-25T09:31:00.001-07:00

Abby got her first haircut yesterday, and Loren got what FELT like his first haircut. First Abby...

Here's Loren BEFORE...

And AFTER...

WOW!

Fun At The Lake

2007-07-25T09:18:00.001-07:00

This weekend, in celebration of Grandma and Grandpa's first wedding anniversary (congratulations!) we went to Great Grandpa Dick's cabin on Priest River. Here's some pictures of our day...

More pictures

2007-07-10T23:14:00.000-07:00

Here's Lily with Great Grandpa Dick...

And a close up of Miss Lily

This is Lily with Lizzie, my cousin Jaime's daughter. They were born a little over a month apart. The next one is Abby and Lily with Lizzie and her big sister, Ruthie, who is a few months younger than Abby. Poor Abby is the odd man out with her blonde, curly hair and blue eyes. Every time I said I wanted a "McLellan Baby" this is what I meant. Darker skin, dark hair and eyes. Thank you Jesus!

Negligent Parenting

2007-07-02T23:20:00.000-07:00

If the video is not enough...listen to the running commentary.

No. This did not end with us at the emergency room. Just a cut lip and some tears. Nothing a long hug and some ice cream couldn't cure.

Creativity

2007-06-23T12:18:00.000-07:00

Having four little girls means a lot of art work and creativity! The following is listing of a few school projects and other home crafts our lovely little ladies have created over the last month. In no particular order...

Jaime's Egyptian contour map. It is beautiful, no? Her own original idea was to put 3D pyramids on the map.

Didn't Megan do a good job? :-) One day she and Abby decided to spend some time with Playdoh.

And then the BIG ONE...

This is the behemoth. We worked on this one for about an hour.

And here then is the finished product.

Pretty cool huh? I'm going to put up a poem Jaime wrote...if I can find it!

Happy Birthday, Dad!

2007-05-04T23:21:00.000-07:00

Rev. 21:5 And He who sits on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” And He said, “Write, for these words are faithful and true.”

Two Years Ago... (Missing Tirzah)

2007-05-01T08:00:00.000-07:00

Two years ago today I took a pregnancy test on a whim. I was shocked to see two dark lines! As Loren sat on the couch and read his Bible before Sunday service, I sat down next to him and held his hand as I flipped his Bible to Jeremiah 29:11. I began to cry as I read the verse: "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." I set the test on his Bible and we laughed and cried at the thought of the FOURTH child the Lord had blessed us with. And then, with both our hands on my belly, we prayed for the Lord's protection on the life growing inside me, that the Lord would grow him or her up to glorify Him with their whole life and be a fiery arrow shot out into the world. We began to talk about where we'd put the cradle, how we'd cram another person in our tiny duplex, how it was time to get rid of our little Mazda and get a van. As our family sat around the kitchen table eating breakfast, we listened to the song "All I Need" by Caedmon's Call:

Did not catch her name
Did not catch her tears
It hit me like a train
When her story hit my ears
Mother of eight sons
Father off to war
Got no home address
Just bricks on a dirt floor
Jesus is all I need

Tiny plot of land
Corn stored up in piles
Years it doesn't rain
They just stay hungry for a while
No fatted calf to kill
She made a feast of cuy and corn
She said, "Who else knew my name
Before the day that I was born?
Jesus is all I need
Jesus is all I need."

She bragged about her boys
How they're growin' into men
How they learned to praise the Lord
Old Style Ecuadorian
To buy the new guitar
They had to sell the swine
Said, "My boys go to school on a foreign angel's dime.
This world calls me poor
I bore my babies on this floor
He always provides
Sure as the sun will rise.
So I'll sing Him songs of praise
'Cause I know He'll keep me in His gaze."

Rain poured from the sky
We raced back to the van
There were tears in the eyes
Of this poor, forgetful man
Mother of eight sons
She knows the peace of God
Lord, help me learn to lean
On thy staff and thy rod
Jesus is all I need
Jesus is all I need

We went to church giddy and giggly but deciding to keep the news to ourselves. I whispered the news to my mom before church started. She laughed, started to cry, hugged me. That tipped off Cameron and Jennifer behind me and they found out. By the time we got back in the car half the church knew!

Looking back on that day brings such a crazy swell of emotions. Grief, of course, for the heart that beat inside me for those short months. Joy for the life that lives on in heaven. And awed silence for the God of the Universe, who that day began such a work in our lives. It was very easy, in the early days after Tirzah's death, to ask God WHY He had created her only to take her from us. I railed and said I would have rather have never had her to begin with. I got angry, questioned His goodness, and embraced every one of my doubts.

Now, twenty months after her death, it is clear to me that the Lord gave us Tirzah for a reason. And not just a vague "we'll know why someday" reason, but something very obvious in our hearts. He has made Himself, and His heart, real to me in a way that He never was before. In the same way that Loren and I are so much closer after losing my dad and Tirzah, I am so much closer to the Lord. He has burned away much of my innocence, but along with it much of my fear for the future, my doubts about Him, and my questions about His sovereignty.

Two years later I can say, without a doubt, that God is good and does good. He is good when babies are born and He is good when babies die. And although I am certain that I will never fully understand all the plans that He had for Tirzah and her short life, the ripple effects in the lives of others are obvious.

So today, again, I grieve with gratitude, and pant for clear glass and a place without tears.

Emmy's Soccer Greatness

2007-04-23T22:08:00.000-07:00

This is super! I love watching our girls grow up to the point where they can actually PLAY a game. Jaime and Emily's dad is a soccer fan and played in high school and actually coaches Emily, who loves it! It is great watching them on the field.

Anywho...here are some pics and a short video. I love the one of Emily going for a goal and the one of Jaime standing on a soccer ball. Standing. On a soccer ball (her dad has great balance too!). Enjoy!

Abby's Video

2007-04-22T15:03:00.000-07:00

Okay...here is a video I worked on that shows more clips from Abby's birthday. This is my first attempt so we'll see what you all think. Hopefully, you can hear it well.

I'm working on one right now for Emily...stay tuned!

All Dud'd Up for Easter 2007

2007-04-08T20:24:00.000-07:00

No I didn't ask Emily to pose.
No I didn't ask Abby to pose.
No I didn't ask Jaime to pose.

Question: What is better than being seen with a beauitful woman?
Answer: Being seen with FIVE beautiful women.

Here's some pictures of our family. Ignore the dumpy long-haired guy.

Get me a shotgun!

Birthday Mania 2007

2007-04-08T15:46:00.000-07:00

Combine 11 kids, 8 adults, 6 cats, 70 degree weather and what do you get? A fabulous birthday party! I really like this clip because it shows how beautiful our kids are! I only pray God opens their eyes to His glory.

Abigail

This is Sophie Deibel. She is Abby's best friend.

Emily

I finally figured out how to load video...I think. Enjoy. There will be more of these God willing!

Group Pics

Rowdy's A Mama!

2007-03-31T19:55:00.000-07:00

This afternoon we welcomed six new additions to our family. Here's a couple pictures of our new kittens...

Impatiently Awaiting Our New Additions

2007-03-29T20:47:00.000-07:00

Today is Rowdy the cat's due date. I am (thankfully) not going to put a pregnant picture of myself on here by Rowdy's picture, but I can say that I have the utmost sympathy for her as she waddles (ever see a cat waddle?) across the living room and plops down five feet away, eats laying down, and just generally looks at us with misery in her feline eyes.

Anyone want a kitten?

Thank You, Grandma Dena and Grandpa Frank!

2007-02-23T12:14:00.000-08:00

Believe it or not, we actually got a piano into our house! Thank you Grandma and Grandpa!

Baby Pictures

2007-01-23T17:14:00.000-08:00

Well, a lot is going on in our family right now. Shocker, right? :-) But the good news is that little Lily is growing and the family is adjusting very well.

Here are some grandparent pics.

Lately, Hebrews 11 has really hit my heart (and head) hard. What does it MEAN to live by faith in 21st century America? I think most of the time we take calculated risks. We do this because 1) we really don't believe in God's sovereignty, not in our heart anyway and 2) its easier. But we're finding out that God has ALWAYS asked His people to do what seem like silly things from the human perspective so that then His glory is manifested all the more.

Heb. 11:8 By faith Abraham, when he was called, obeyed by going out to a place which he was to receive for an inheritance; and he went out, not knowing where he was going.

Heb. 11:13 ¶ All these died in faith, without receiving the promises, but having seen them and having welcomed them from a distance, and having confessed that they were strangers and exiles on the earth.
Heb. 11:14 For those who say such things make it clear that they are seeking a country of their own.
Heb. 11:15 And indeed if they had been thinking of that country from which they went out, they would have had opportunity to return.
Heb. 11:16 But as it is, they desire a better country, that is a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God; for He has prepared a city for them.

The question is, will we be exiles?

Our Daughter's Last Poke!

2007-01-12T16:42:00.000-08:00

Today we're celebrating Lily's bili levels going down on thier own! Yesterday her levels went down low enough that we were able to take her off the lights, but today's levels were the moment of truth: Would they continue to go down on their own, without the lights? Well, sure enough, her levels went down some more, and her weight continues to go up, so our little girl is DONE with doctors until next Thursday! Yeah! Tomorrow will be the first day of our little girl's life that she is not having her blood drawn. Thank you Jesus!

Hilbilirubin, The Saga

2007-01-07T22:21:00.000-08:00

Here is a picture of the contraption. Nice, huh?

It's like a projector hooked up to a vacum tube hooked up to a car filter hooked up to our bionic baby.

And here's a picture of "both" babies. Abby is making a fairly good transition, but please continue praying.

One more thing. Lily's bilirubin rate went up again, not abnormal as day four is the typical day it peaks after birth, but also not great. Please be praying.

Megan and I take great comfort in our Lord's sovereignty and His goodness.

Matt. 7:7 “Ask, and it shall be given to you; seek, and you shall find; knock, and it shall be opened to you.
Matt. 7:8 “For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it shall be opened.
Matt. 7:9 “Or what man is there among you, when his son shall ask him for a loaf, will give him a stone?
Matt. 7:10 “Or if he shall ask for a fish, he will not give him a snake, will he?
Matt. 7:11 “If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more shall your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him!

Bilirubin. Yes, you read that right. And no. This is not one of Megan's cousins from Seven Mile.

2007-01-06T22:20:00.000-08:00

Well. Here is a new one for me. An orange baby and I don't mean those nasty little umpa-loompas from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. I'll try to get some shots, although the video I have is absolutely priceless.

So...our little baby has gone NASA and currently has a "light" blanket wrapped around her torso. Probably for at least the next two days maybe longer.

Here's a brief definition that will make you fall asleep but is informative. It is taken in it's entirety from www.kellymom.com:

"Jaundice is due to a buildup in the blood of bilirubin, a yellow pigment that comes from the breakdown of old red blood cells. It is normal for old red blood cells to break down, but the bilirubin formed does not usually cause jaundice because the liver metabolizes it and gets rid of it into the gut. The newborn baby, however, often becomes jaundiced during the first few days because the liver enzyme that metabolizes bilirubin is relatively immature. Furthermore, newborn babies have more red blood cells than adults, and thus more are breaking down at any one time. If the baby is premature, or stressed from a difficult birth, or the infant of a diabetic mother, or more than the usual number of red blood cells are breaking down (as can happen in blood incompatibility), the level of bilirubin in the blood may rise higher than usual levels."

Okay. The good news is that the phototherapy blanket is at our house which means we don't have to spend time in a hospital, praise God. Also, a nurse will come by once a day to check the hill-bilirubin level via a blood draw.

All that to say, Lily is doing awesome other than being orange.

More later.

We're Home!

2007-01-05T16:54:00.000-08:00

Lily is doing pretty good. We came home from the hospital yesterday afternoon, and have had a very quiet time here since. Lily did very good throughout the night, nursing a lot but not really crying. Yeah! Today she looked pretty yellow, so we had to take her in for a bilirubin level. Her level is right on the line of needing treatment (12 and up requires bili lights; her level is 12) so her pediatrician said we could wait a day and see if she could balance it on her own. We go back in tomorrow morning for another blood draw, and that will determine what we do. PLEASE pray that her levels go down, and also that if they do not go down that we are able to locate the lights from a healthcare company. Apparently there's been a lot of trouble with that, so there is the strong possibility that we'll end up back in the hospital if her levels stay elevated.

So, other than jaundice, things are going great, and we are overwhelmed by God's goodness in blessing us with this little life. Thank you so much for your continued prayers for our family.

Psalm 30:5 For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.

Here are some great pictures of Lily and our other little ladies...

Lily Elianah is here!!!

2007-01-03T20:47:00.000-08:00

Hi everybody! Bianca posting again!

Lily Elianah Baker arrived at 11:50 this morning, weighing in at 7 pounds 3 ounzes and 20 inches long. She looks a lot like big sister Jaime-a head full of long dark hair! Mommy and baby are both doing well. Lily had some trouble breathing at first-she was born so fast the doctor didn't make it to the delivery!! But after a good rubdown she started crying.
Lily was having some trouble staying warmed up at first, because of low blood sugar, so she got a bottle of formula and sugar water. Now her blood sugar is stabilized and the nurses keep checking to make sure her body temperature isn't dropping. Megan hopes to go home tomorrow (she's tired of plastic hospital beds!!) but that depends on how Lily does overnight. Pray for Lily to be able to stabilize her temperature soon and to start nursing well so that the Bakers can go sleep in their own beds!
Praise be to God for a healthy baby and momma!!
(PS The delivery went well and Megan is feeling good...or is that the adrenalyn, Tylenol and Motrin talking?)

And here comes the good part!!...

The waiting is ALMOST OVER!!!

2007-01-02T19:31:00.000-08:00

Hello everyone,
Bianca updating the Blog here, because...

MEGAN IS IN THE HOSPITAL, and she's not leaving without a baby!!
She went to her ultrasound appointment today, and was dialated to a 5 and was more effaced. Her doctor decided that if they sent her home and she went into labor, she would have her baby on the floor or in the car. Bad scenario! So, she was admitted this afternoon, and will be induced at 7 tomorrow morning if Lily has not arrived before then!

Please be praying for an easy delivery, a healthy Lily, a healthy Megan, and no hemmhoraging! Thanks to all the saints for your encouragement and prayers for this family and this baby! SHE IS FINALLY COMING!!!!!!

Will update tomorrow with birth statistics and hopefully a picture.

Pregnancy Week 34

2006-12-20T16:51:00.000-08:00

Wow. I never thought I'd be typing "week 34". God is SO good to have carried us this far! Lily has turned back around and is head down again, so we're on for a regular birth! Yeah! I was so scared at the thought of another c-section. Otherwise, things are very quiet. We've had fits and starts of contractions, but that is just my body's MO. We're pretty much past the days of grabbing our bags and rushing to the hospital. But it is encouraging to know that my body is changing in preparation for this little girl's birth. The ultrasounds just tease us now. In the last several, the techs have marveled over how much hair she has (you can see it floating around in the amniotic fluid). At the most recent the tech predicted it would be curly! Another girl that looks just like her daddy, maybe? Every appointment makes me more anxious to meet this little one. Although my doctor won't stop me if I go into labor anytime after Christmas, I'm not holding my breath. We are tentatively planning an induction for January 17th (our options are the 16th, 17th, or 19th).

I've been keeping busy getting the house ready for Lily's arrival, cleaning and organizing and getting baby stuff set up. Generally driving Loren crazy "nesting". Our dear friends, the Deibels, threw us a baby shower last week, which was SUCH a blessing.

We were excited to get to see Loren's brother, Joel, last night, and his sister, dad and stepmom come on Saturday to stay for Christmas. What a blessed time of celebrating the birth of our Savior and preparing for the birth of our little girl. We serve a great and a good God, in times of want and times of plenty.

Hab. 3:17 Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls,
Hab. 3:18 yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior.
Hab. 3:19 The Sovereign LORD is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to go on the heights.

Rejoicing in HIM,
The Bakers

Pregnancy Week 32 & Something Fun

2006-12-06T17:37:00.000-08:00

Another week, another complication...Three weeks ago we went in, and due to pain in my leg I had an ultrasound to check for a blood clot. No blood clot, but I did have a muscle tear (how did I do THAT???) and the ultrasound showed the veins in my legs were giving out. Hello, support hose. Then last week, Lily measured WAY big. Her estimated weight was 5 pounds, 3 ounces, which is closer to a 35 week baby than a 31 weeker. After some blood tests, gestational diabetes has been ruled out, so we don't know WHY she's so big.

So, yesterday she turned 32 weeks. At the ultrasound, two things were discovered. First, my cervix is changing, which landed us at Holy Family for the evening to monitor contractions. We got to leave, but I'm on bedrest now, as well as Procardia. Today the contractions were still there, so they upped my dose. I'm still having contractions, even on the higher dose, so I'm not sure what my doctor will do on Friday. I have to make it 2 1/2 more weeks and then I can have her, praise the Lord!

The other complication is that sometime in the last week Lily TURNED! She has been head down since 16 weeks, and all of a sudden NOW she flipped. If she does not turn on her own, we will be having a c-section. There are ways to manually turn the baby, but with my uterine scar that is not an option. So we watch and wait, and I invert myself for twenty minutes a day with the hopes that gravity gets this girl back where she belongs.

It's amazing, that we only have a few weeks left. Tonight we were discussing how we never dreamed we would make it this far. God is so, so good.

Psalm 52:9 I will praise you forever for what you have done; in your name I will hope, for your name is good. I will praise you in the presence of your saints.

And, just to prove our ENTIRE existence isn't consumed by this pregnancy, a few pictures of the girls:

Grandpa reading with his girls:

Jaime with her lego robot:

Thanksgiving dinner with Grandma and Grandpa:

Pregnancy Week 30

2006-11-21T20:04:00.000-08:00

Today's appointment went really well! Lily did exactly what she was supposed to during her NST and we were done in thirty minutes (which is short for us).

The ultrasound was amazing. We now have the cutest picture of her yet. She looks just like Abby!

We'll post it once we can scan it in. All that to say that the Lord was very gracious to us today.

We love you all.

Pregnancy Week 29 Update II

2006-11-17T19:09:00.000-08:00

Today's appointment went REALLY well! Praise God! Lily's heartrate was back up in the high 140s, she was very active, and although I was having contractions anywhere from 2 to 8 minutes apart, they were not changing anything, so I was able to come home! I go back in on Tuesday for my next NST and ultrasound, so unless anything changes I'm free until then.

Thanks again for your prayers for us and baby Lily!

Pregnancy Week 29 Update

2006-11-15T18:13:00.000-08:00

Today we went back to the hospital for more monitoring of Lily's heartbeat. She still wasn't having good rises in her heartrate, which is normal with activity. Hers is pretty "flat" for lack of a better word. Her baseline was up today, though, from 130 to about 140-145 BPM, which is much closer to what it had been. She had some more decellerations, but not as drastic as yesterday. My OB consulted with another doctor, and they decided to let me come home for now. I go back in for another NST on Friday, which I'm praying will tell us more. So for right now I wouldn't call her "stable" but she isn't critical. We covet your continued prayers as the doctors try to figure this out. It's an odd feeling, to see all these dots between Jaime and Tirzah and now Lily, and know that although there are no answers now, someday researchers will probably find way to connect them all. And if not in our lifetime, in eternity we'll have an answer as to WHAT is happening with my body. As for now, all they can do is treat the symptoms and watch her like crazy. Just an FYI (of course the Lord knows her birthday but a little info): I'm 29 weeks 1 day right now. That's where I was when Jaime was born, and she was in NICU for seven weeks, which is a little less than average. At 32 weeks, babies develop a sucking reflex, so that would be a great milestone to get to, with all the issues I had nursing Jaime. 35 weeks is when I can deliver at my doctor's hospital (Holy Family) and he wouldn't stop my labor.

Thanks again for your prayers and encouragement. We'll try to update again Friday night after another round of monitoring.

Pregnancy Week 29

2006-11-14T16:07:00.000-08:00

I went in for my first appointment at the new perinatologist's today. They were very nice, and although I didn't actually meet the peri (he was out by the time I FINALLY got done!) I really liked it there. That's the good news.

Bad news: I had a non stress test and Lily did not look good. Her baseline heartrate has been right about 150 (148-152) every NST, including the one I had just four days ago. Today her baseline was 130, with one decelleration going as low as 117. The nurse speculated she could have hit her cord or something to cause the decel, but at any rate, she did not pass, after an hour on the monitor. The nurse kept saying, "Let's wait a little longer and see if we can get her to wake up" but I think we both knew she WAS awake and was moving; it wasn't a resting heartrate. The ultrasound looked good, as far as I could tell, but I am waiting for a call from my OB to confirm that everything looked good that way.

I talked to my doctor's scheduler a few minutes ago, and they want me to come back in tomorrow and repeat the non stress test and try to figure out what is going on. I am struggling. The history of Jaime going into distress at week 29, and Tirzah's heart stopping at 23 weeks, both without a diagnosed cause, is leaving me fighting to give this child to God and trust in His perfect plan.

Anyway please pray as we go back in to the hospital tomorrow. I'll update when I can. Thank you!

Is. 43:1 ¶ But now, thus says the LORD, your Creator, O Jacob, And He who formed you, O Israel, “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are Mine!
Is. 43:2 “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, Nor will the flame burn you.
Is. 43:3 “For I am the LORD your God, The Holy One of Israel, your Savior; I have given Egypt as your ransom, Cush and Seba in your place.
Is. 43:4 “Since you are precious in My sight, Since you are honored and I love you

Hello, Toyota!

2006-11-14T16:05:00.000-08:00

Last night we got a call at 12:30 am. The Toyota was waiting for us, just down the hill from our house. The glove compartment had been searched, and our car seat and beloved double stroller stolen. Otherwise, she was "intact" (hard to use that word to describe the Toyota, but you know what I mean!).

Goodbye, Toyota!

2006-11-13T07:59:00.000-08:00

Where we parked the car last night:

Our '88 beast of a Toyota is officially stolen. Although tears for our second vehicle may have been more appropriate, today all we can really do is laugh...

HUGE Praise!!!

2006-11-11T10:20:00.000-08:00

Rom. 8:26 ¶ And in the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words;
Rom. 8:27 and He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.
Rom. 8:28 And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.

Many of you know about the struggles I've had with my perinatologist, culminating on Tuesday when he sent me across town to be admitted to Holy Family rather than treat me himself. I spent the next three days before meeting with Dr. McKenna agonizing over what to do. He is the only perinatologist in Spokane. Do I stay with him and trust he won't put the baby at risk making stupid decisions like having me drive across town, contracting, when he thought he saw placenta problems, or do I go to the regular imaging places, who everyone we've talked to seems to agree has equipment and techs that just are not as advanced and specialized? So I went in preparing to have to make a gut wrenching decision with my ob, and get in there, and GET THIS!! Between Tuesday and Friday, a SECOND perinatology practice opened in Spokane. So I have an appointment there on Tuesday! They come highly recommended by my ob, and the peri has been in practice a long time, just now moving to Spokane. Yeah!!! I am so humbled by God's grace in our lives and little Lily's. Thank you Jesus!

Family Pictures

2006-11-05T18:30:00.000-08:00

I got the brilliant idea to take some family pictures this morning. After seeing myself, six and a half months pregnant, I really reconsidered, but here they are anyway. You can still see evidence of Emily and Abigail's chicken pox, but they are doing much better.

Jaime, age 7, Emily, age 6, and Abigail, age 2:

Family pictures get exponentially harder the more people you have in your family, and ours is no exception:

And I seem to get exponentially BIGGER with each pregnancy, this one being no exception!

Pregnancy Week 27

2006-11-03T09:22:00.000-08:00

Eccl. 3:1-2 There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die

What a sweet time we've had this week, as we've watched the first snow begin to fall. The Lord has brought us through so many seasons in our marriage, and as hard as it is to admit it, I really did not have the faith that we would be here again, preparing for the arrival of another child. Amazing that we got pregnant with this little girl in the spring, and the Lord has carried her and grown her through the summer, fall, and now, the season of her birth. I am humbled by what a gracious God we serve, giving us so much more than we could ever ask for or imagine.

Lily is doing beautifully, and passed her first biophysical profile on Tuesday with flying colors. It's fun to see the ultrasound pictures and begin to see her cheeks start to fill out and her face continue to take shape. She's at 27 weeks right now, with another nine to eleven more to go. Thank you Jesus!

Chicken Pox, Baby!

2006-10-30T10:20:00.000-08:00

Well, now Emily and Abby have 'em too. I haven't seen Emily yet (we get her back in the morning) but I hear she's doing great, as did Jaime when she had them two weeks ago.

Then there is Abby. I would estimate she slept about four hours last night, and is just miserable. She probably has over 200 spots on her, the worst being on her face and groin. The spots are coming close to her eyes, so after her crying all morning at any light and a scary trip to the doctor, she is now on oral and topical (in her eyes) antiviral medication to help with the severity of the chicken pox, as well as a prescription antihistamine to help her get more comfortable. We can also give her liquid Maloxx, to help with the sores in her mouth and down her throat, which are leaving her gasping the little bit she is able to sleep. She's not out of the woods yet, as far as her eyes go, so keep praying that the antiviral does its trick and she does not continue to worsen!

Lily, In Pictures

2006-10-24T11:08:00.000-07:00

Here's some ultrasound pictures...

First, here's Lily at six weeks, looking like a bat hanging in a cave.

Here are a few pictures taken at 24 weeks. She was NOT cooperating, as you can tell by the arms over her face.

And here's the ones from this week:

Pregnancy Week 26

2006-10-24T11:04:00.000-07:00

Sorry it's been so long since we updated! Everything is going great! We had an ultrasound yesteday, and Lily was flipping around and posing for the camera. Her growth is right on track, and the non stress tests we've had have shown a strong, healthy heartbeat.

Right now we're setting a tentative induction date of January 19th, but we'll see as it gets closer. I'll be 35 weeks on December 26th, and I am planning on hopping on the treadmill and jogging until I go into labor!

Anyway, God is SO good, and each day He gives us with this little girl is a gift. Thank you for all of your prayers as we continue this walk of faith.

Love, The Bakers

Pregnancy Week 22

2006-09-30T07:49:00.000-07:00

We went to the doctor again on Wednesday and everything looked good. Dr. McKenna requested that my mom and Loren be there with me to discuss the rest of pregnancy and make some decisions, so we really got a good game plan for the next 16 weeks. Although we can't foresee the future or put limits on God, it's most logical to break it down into two categories.

PRETERM BIRTH: We'll start monitoring twice a week starting at 24 weeks. On Tuesdays I'll have an ultrasound and non stress test, on Fridays I'll have a doctor appointment and non-stress test. If at any point we start seeing problems (such as decreased heartrate, movement, or amniotic fluid), I'll most likely be admitted to Holy Family for monitoring. If we get to the point of needing to deliver, I'd be transferred to Sacred Heart and the baby would be delivered by c-section, unless it was emergent, and then I'd deliver at Holy Family and the baby would be airlifted to Sacred Heart. My doctor's office is at Holy Family, and the only doctors in labor and delivery are board certified OBs (no residents!) so that is where he wants me, and where we feel most comfortable.

FULL TERM BIRTH: Along with checking baby, the ultrasounds will also be monitoring my placenta. Basically, with the uterine scar from the previous c-section and my placenta right on top of it, I have about a one in three chance of getting placenta accreta, where the placenta grows into, and sometimes through, the uterus. If there are signs this is happening, I'll probably get an MRI to look further. If it is obvious that this has happened, I'll deliver by c-section, and more than likely have a hysterectomy. If they are unsure, I'll probably deliver normally, but have an epidural so that if there are complications then the doctor can get in very quickly. When your uterus starts to bleed (like it did when I had Abby) you usually lose a liter of blood a minute. The human body only has seven liters of blood in it, so you start to get a feel for the urgency of the situation. He has talked about having me deliver in an operating room, even if it's not a c-section, just to buy a little more time if there are complications. Right now, we're just waiting to ask more questions regarding a full term birth until we make it that far. But you can mark your calendars! He said we'll probably induce at 38 weeks and not push things any farther than that, which gives us a "last possible day" of January 16th!

So, things really are looking good right now. I'll be 23 weeks on Monday, which for us is a HUGE milestone! It marks the point at which a baby is delivered and goes to intensive care if problems arise. So as of next week, something can be done if our little girl starts having problems! (I know, not the news most parents get excited about, but our standards have shifted a bit.) We will also be meeting with a neonatologist (specialist with preemies) sometime soon to develop a relationship and get an idea of what to expect, should baby be born early.

And one more quick praise. With where the placenta lies, it pretty much covers all the nerves that allow you to feel the baby move. I was resigning myself to only feeling a few flutters from baby this pregnancy. Well, this week we hit a turning point, because now all of us can feel her moving in there. It's just another little love letter from the Lord.

I know I continue to say this, but thank you so much for your prayers. We know it is God alone that wills this little girl's heart to continue to beat, and He who is knitting her in my womb. Please continue to lift us up as we press on through the last weeks of this journey. We love you all, and are incredibly blessed to have so many people in our lives to love and support us.

Hope came home
Home to me today
And fear has run
The other way
Words are weak
They don't know how to say
"You know I still believe in you."

And should my dreams fall through
I will be safe with you
So with every breath I can breathe
I'll sing about how you love me
I'll sing about how you love me.

Bebo Norman

20 Week Update

2006-09-13T11:55:00.000-07:00

I had an ultrasound yesterday, and for the most part, everything looked great. Our baby girl is still a baby GIRL. She is growing right on track and looks good. We go back in for our next ultrasound at 24 weeks.

The only thing that the ultrasound showed was that my placenta is anterior (in the front of my uterus). Normally, this would only mean that it is more difficult to feel the baby move, because all the nerves are on the front of the uterus, and it can cause pretty bad back pain in labor. The problem is that Jaime was born via c-section. Because of this, there is severely increased risk of a condition called placenta accreta, where the placenta actually begins to grow into or even through the uterus due to the uterine scarring. This sometimes shows up in an ultrasound, so we will continue to monitor it that way, but we might not know until birth. The implications range anywhere from a D&C to an emergency hysterectomy, depending on the amount of bleeding.

The other decision we are struggling with is when to begin NSTs (non-stress tests) and amniotic fluid level indexes through ultrasound. Both of these things have the potential of showing problems that would lead to a premature delivery. We had planned on starting at 28 weeks, but will decide in two weeks whether or not to bump that up. The risk is seeing something at 24 weeks and having to deliver, in spite of the severely increased risk of birth defects and infant death. On the other hand, if we choose not to monitor, we could end up with another stillbirth. I am leaning towards starting at 24 weeks, coinciding with our next ultrasound. It would mean having a doctor appointment and NST on Fridays and an ultrasound and NST on Tuesdays every week for the rest of pregnancy.

We covet your prayers as we continue to make difficult decisions regarding this child.

Pregnancy Week 20

2006-09-11T09:19:00.000-07:00

This week marks the "halfway point" of pregnancy. It also marks a big week for our pregnancy. We have another ultrasound tomorrow, and a doctor appointment Wednesday. I have been having contractions off and on the last few weeks, and our doctor is discussing moving up the date to start monitoring me more closely. Right now the plan is to start very close monitoring, consisting of an ultrasound, non stress test, and doctor appointment each week, at 27 weeks. Yet with the contractions, we need to decide whether or not to bump up that date. The difficulty is that with the closer monitoring comes the chance that we will discover problems and need to deliver the baby. A baby CAN survive at 23 weeks (3 weeks from now) but it would be a lot better to get even three or four weeks past that.

Please pray for peace as we approach these decisions, as well as the time in pregnancy where we had so many complications with Jaime and Tirzah. Recently, I am having a hard time trusting in the Lord's plan for this baby. It is so difficult not knowing why Jaime went into fetal distress and Tirzah died, and feeling burdened by listening to my body every second, trying to determine if something is truly wrong.

I will keep you updated as we go to our appointments over the next two days. As always, thank you for your prayers.

Matt. 10:29 Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father.
Matt. 10:30 And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered.
Matt. 10:31 So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.

Zeph. 3:17 The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.

9/11

2006-09-09T10:35:00.000-07:00

Deut. 32:39 ‘See now that I, I am He,
And there is no god besides Me;
It is I who put to death and give life.
I have wounded and it is I who heal,
And there is no one who can deliver from My hand.

This morning I read a commentary by Peggy Noonan reflecting on the final thoughts of those who died on that fateful day 5 years ago. It was a rather powerful article. She quote numerous people who died on that day. Her point was that no one really called to express hate at either their life or maybe more surprisingly at those who flew the planes into the buildings.

Now, I don't know if all the people she quoted actually spoke those words before dying. But what I realized is that those who died, died for a purpose. We cannot simply white-wash the truth of scripture as followers of Jesus Christ. There is purpose in death. Intense, eternal, weighty purpose in death and suffering.

Prov. 16:33 The lot is cast into the lap, But its every decision is from the LORD.

There is no such thing as coincidence. Each and every person that died from the hijackers themselves to the firefighters who rushed into the buildings was destined to die on that day. These are harsh, true words. If God is God. If the words of the law and the prophets are true then...

Psa. 139:16b in Thy book they were all written, The days that were ordained for me, When as yet there was not one of them.

As I think about this next Monday and what it means I can't help but be amazed that the same God who allows suffering and evil and killers to fly planes into buildings, is the same God that washed away the sin of the world. To think that our sovereign Lord loves us enough to allow suffering that we then see His glory is jaw dropping.

Job 40:4 “Behold, I am insignificant; what can I reply to Thee? I lay my hand on my mouth.

As followers of Jesus Christ may we never be ashamed at who God is. Yes, even the God that kills and makes alive. Let us not bastardize the Lord of Heaven and earth.

Happy Birthday, Tirzah

2006-09-06T22:02:00.000-07:00

Love is letting go of your child, cherishing the brief life, rather than resenting it.

Happy 1st birthday in heaven, Tirzah Irene.

Remembering Tirzah...

2006-09-04T13:18:00.000-07:00

When my heart is troubled and I am weighed down,
Then I like to think of how this lonesome world would be
If I could see your face, or hold you in my arms
If you were mine, if you were mine.

If you had a bad dream I would jump inside it,
And I would fight for you with all the strength that I could find.
I would lead you home by your tiny hand
If you were mine, if you were mine.

I would sing of love on the blackest night.
I would sing of God, and how His goodness fills our lives.
I would sing to you, ‘til the morning light
If you were mine, if you were mine.
(Fernando Ortega)

It's hard to believe that it was last Labor Day that Tirzah went to heaven...

We'd had a busy weekend, so by Labor Day, the whole family was ready for a day at home. We got up late and I made breakfast. For some reason, Loren and I started fighting during breakfast, so afterward we went out on the deck and talked. I began to cry and said that I was SO tired of being pregnant and I needed him to be home more. We didn't really settle anything, but sometime during the conversation I got to thinking that I hadn't felt Tirzah move around before I fell asleep the night before, which was usually her most active time. I decided to go lay down and do a kick count just to be sure everything was fine.

After about a half hour, she still had not moved. Loren brought me chocolate ice cream which I ate laying down. STILL nothing. We talked some more up in our room and I told him how scared I was that something was wrong (Jaime was born due to fetal distress at 29 weeks). He reassured me and we prayed together, and I went back to laying there. He decided to take the kids swimming, so they went across the street to a neighbor's house. I finally called the doctor, and they told me to lay there for another hour and call again. After 45 minutes, I gave up and had a shower. I called again and they told me to come in, just to be safe. I called my mom, who told me she'd come with me, just to keep me company. At that point I didn't really think anything was wrong, I was just annoyed I had to drive across town on Loren's day off just to be told everything was fine.

I went across the street and told him I was leaving and he offered to go with me. I told him no, to just stay with the kids and I'd be back soon. Like I said, neither of us really believed anything could be wrong. I mean, we'd lost three babies in the first trimester. I was "out of the danger zone."

I got to the hospital, only to discover someone from our church had just had a baby. There were several people from the church there. They asked me why I was there, and I just answered, "Oh, just for a non-stress test" and left it at that. I was escorted into a room, changed into a gown, and laid on the bed. My nurse (a WONDERFUL woman) came in and said they'd just start by listening with a doppler. She listened. And listened. After a few minutes she had one hand on my wrist and one on the doppler, my heart was pounding so hard, trying to discern if it was me or the baby.

Finally, she said that she was having trouble finding the heartbeat and she was bringing the doctor in. He came in with a portable ultrasound, and it only took a minute to determine. There was no heartbeat.

I started crying, and called Loren. He said he'd find someone to watch the kids and be there as soon as possible. I was in shock. I remember the nurse clearing out the hallway of everyone we knew, and had a security guard out there to be sure it stayed clear! She moved me to the last room at the end of the hall, and got me settled. Another nurse came in and started all the admission paperwork, asking me the same questions over and over. She was a drill sergeant. I alteranted between crying my eyes out and laughing my head off (my coping mechanism...sarcasm...). About the time that was done Loren arrived. My mom stepped out of the room, and he walked over the the bed, wrapped his arms around me, and we just bawled. The doctor came back in to discuss our options. After a lot of talking, we decided to induce. I couldn't bear going home still pregnant. They started an IV, and also started me on cervix ripeners. Once again, we were alternately laughing and crying. The lab tech came in to draw my blood and warned me it would hurt, as they were drawing 10 tubes to test for various conditions that would explain the loss. We just laughed. A needle stick was nothing compared to what we were going through. Everyone seemed to understand, though. Our nurse took it in stride, stroking my arm or bantering back, depending on the minute.

As it got later into the night, my mom went home, we turned out all the lights, and Loren laid down next to me on the hospital bed. We both alternated between sleeping, crying, and praying for the next nine and a half hours. Our nurse would come in and gently check on us, but we were pretty much left alone to grieve.

At three thirty, I woke up. I could feel that it was time. Loren called the nurse, and before the doctor could arrive our little girl was born. We decided not to hold her and spend time with her until I was all done (I bleed a LOT with deliveries) so she was taken away, and I finished the childbirth process. About an hour later, she was brought to us.

She had a shock of black hair, rosy lips, and tiny features. Amazing that at 17 weeks early she was still so completely developed, with impossibly small fingers and toes, a tiny button nose, and long arms and legs. Our nurse had dressed her in a little pink and white gown, crocheted hat, and little blankets. We held her, whispered to her, marveled at how little and beautiful she was. Eventually, we let her go.

Psa. 139:7 Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?
Psa. 139:8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
Psa. 139:9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,
Psa. 139:10 even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.
Psa. 139:11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,”
Psa. 139:12 even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.
Psa. 139:13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
Psa. 139:14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
Psa. 139:15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
Psa. 139:16 your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

How amazing, our little girl would be one year old this week. Happy birthday, Tirzah Irene!

Pregnancy Week 16

2006-08-16T10:55:00.000-07:00

We had an ultrasound today. The tech scanned me for an hour, then the perinatologist came in and scanned for another thirty minutes. In the end, he said the baby looks like a healthy 16 week old! Great news.

Oh, and another bit of news from the appointment..."baby" is no longer just "baby". It's a girl!!! We're SOOO excited. I think that Loren was the only one vying for a little boy. So the poor guy will be outnumbered five to one now! The girls were all very happy and are already making plans for their newest little sister. We're completely up in the air for names, but have a couple we're leaning towards. Maybe in another few days we'll make a decision.

God is so good, and we are thanking Him for each day we are blessed to carry this child. To Him be all glory and honor and praise!

1Sam. 1:26 And she said, “Oh, my lord! As your soul lives, my lord, I am the woman who stood here beside you, praying to the LORD.
1Sam. 1:27 “For this boy I prayed, and the LORD has given me my petition which I asked of Him.
1Sam. 1:28 “So I have also dedicated him to the LORD; as long as he lives he is dedicated to the LORD.” And he worshiped the LORD there.

Pregnancy Week 11

2006-07-15T21:08:00.000-07:00

This week has been a busy one. For those of you who have not heard, we are moving, probably at the end of August. We'll still be in Spokane, just on the north side of town, in a HOUSE with GRASS!!! So, we've started packing, and I am expecting it to take until the end of next month, at this rate.

Nothing new with the pregnancy this week, but I wanted to share a quote from a book I read. "If I had been offered a movie role when I was pregnant, I could've played an amazing Psycho Chick...The things is, yhou know what you're saying is crazy. You are very aware that you're screaming and the veins in your face are pulsating, and it's all over something as stupid as running out of mayonnaise. But knowing that you're being crazy and doing anything to stop yourself are two very different things."

I don't think I'm that bad, but prayers for Loren still wouldn't hurt! Next Wednesday will be another doctor appointment and an ultrasound...

Pregnancy Week 10

2006-07-15T21:03:00.000-07:00

This is pitifully late, but I'll give you the highlights. I went to the doctor and found out that my bloodwork was NORMAL! So, the last of the testing is over! The plan right now is that I do not have to be on any medications, and for the next three months I will be going to the doctor every other Wednesday. Every fourth Wednesday I will have an ultrasound. At six months pregnant, I will begin having an ultrasound, non-stress test, and doctor appointment every week. The reasoning behind all of the ultrasounds is to monitor baby's growth and the amniotic fluid levels. The reason it gets more intense in the sixth month is not because the risk increases, but because at that point they would consider taking the baby if there was a problem, whereas up until then they would not be able to do anything about it. So right now I am due January 30th, and will probably be induced on the 23rd at the latest. Another January baby!

I got to hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time. My doctor laughed and said that according to wives' tales the heartrate indicated a girl (fast heartbeat). It would be fitting with the pattern, wouldn't it?

Pregnancy Week 9

2006-06-30T21:20:00.000-07:00

We'd been up for less than a half an hour today when we got a call from the Perinatologist. One of my blood tests was abnormal. Specifically, the AntiThrombin III, which means nothing to me but is another clotting disorder. It is one of the tests that was run a week and a half ago that I'd never had tested (not in the hospital when we delivered Tirzah, not in November or last month). It, in my estimation, is one of the worst ones to come back positive. Whereas the Lupus Anticoagulant would have meant having to inject myself two to three times daily DURING SECOND AND THIRD TRIMESTER, this one's confirmation would mean needing heparin injections FOR LIFE, pregnant or otherwise.

I'm discouraged and irritated by the roller coaster ride. I went back to the hospital today and had more blood drawn to look at the antithrombin's activity levels, which will determine whether or not I actually have a problem (there is the possibility that my levels are just lower than average but still functioning). We won't know anything until next week sometime.

Right now you can be praying for wisdom and clarity. We pendulum between being irritated that the doctors keep finding all these things that MIGHT be wrong and never are, and feeling like there HAS to be a link between Jaime, who was born in fetal distress with placenta problems at 29 weeks, and Tirzah, who they cannot seem to pin down a cause for her death.

Thank you for continuing to pray. We meet back with doctors on Wednesday, and hopefully will have the new test results then. Only 31 more weeks of seeming chaos to go. Yet there is joy in the fact that God knows me, the baby, and everything going on intimately, and He has predestined the outcome. It becomes easy to rest in His sovereignty in our lives when we focus on Him rather than all of the problems encircling us.

May the Lord richly increase your faith as you, too, continue to place your life at His feet.

All My Bags Are Packed...

2006-06-29T07:38:00.000-07:00

I'm ready to go
I'm leaving on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again...

We're all packed and ready to go. Right now there is rioting in Centro (downtown Oaxaca) but we will hopefully be avoiding it. Yesterday the guys were delayed coming home from the mountains due to a group of about 50,000 demonstrators marching. They made it home after several detours. We checked, and our flight is on time, so we're planning on leaving in about twenty minutes.

Please continue to pray for the Mattfeld family. Presidential elections are on Sunday, and depending on the outcome, there is the possibility of things exploding here in the city. They live a little ways out of the center of things, but it is anyone's guess as to what will happen come Sunday.

There are three major political parties in Mexico. The current president was elected a few years ago and was the first and only (since the founding of the modern Mexican state) that was from the PRI party. You've probably heard of Vicente Fox. His party is the PAN. However, this year there is a third socialist party. The key thing to be in prayer for here in Oaxaca is that the ruling party is PRI. However, the people here know the current govenor is a crook and the party is fraught with corruption. If PRI wins the presidential election on Sunday, July 2nd it could real ugly.

Don't you just love politics? :-)

Please be in prayer that Christ's peace would descend on all His people and on the world in general.

Last night Chris and Nathan and I stayed up until midnight discussing eschatology. It was interested. Pre-trip, mid-trib, pre-wrath, post-trib, amillenial. You get the picture. It was great but all the women went to bed.

May the God of all peace keep you my fellow beloved bond-servants in Christ.

Day 6 in Oaxaca

2006-06-28T18:50:00.000-07:00

"May God be gracious to us and bless us and make his face to shine upon us, Selah that your way may be known on earth, your saving power among all nations. Let the peoples praise you, O God; let all the peoples praise you!

Let the nations be glad and sing for joy, for you judge the peoples with equity and guide the nations upon earth. Selah Let the peoples praise you, O God; let all the peoples praise you!

The earth has yielded its increase; God, our God, shall bless us. God shall bless us; let all the ends of the earth fear him!"
Psalm 67

Where you do you start? How do you describe the glory of God's grace at 6000 feet in southern Mexico? How can I possibly explain prayer with brothers and sisters in Christ around a sturdy, simple wooden table.

God's Word tells us that He will not give His glory to another. And we know that every tribe and tongue and people will come to Him one day. Well brothers and sisters in Christ, it is coming NOW in Oaxaca. It has BEEN in Oaxaca for a generation.

The greatest news I can give you is that ustedes hermonos y hermonas en Christo are on the move!

Our brother Nathan has been inspiring and sobering both. In one instant you can see the joy of encouraging brothers and sisters in the Lord and in the next you can see the work...the toil of the work...the difficulty facing a young man and his bride and their family as they push on in the quest to bring Jesus Christ glory.

I think most of all though. I have seen God move mightily to give a few men a vision to fulfill the Great Commission in this part of the world. What I've been convicted of is the lack of my effort in Spokane to share the Gospel. What a hypocrite and false man I am. I can lay down the law in my own heart and in my household and even lay down the law in our young people's gathering. But oh that I would just give my heart to the lost. That WE would give our all to the spreading of the glorious Gospel of Jesus Christ.

Don't be fooled as I so often am. This life is not about BEING like Christ but of telling others ABOUT Him. The good news.

I have so much to say...so much going on in my heart and my mind. All I know right now is that Megan and my life CANNOT be the same. How can I drive my family to service on Sunday and sit with other "Christians" yet not make time to speak to my neighbors about the salvation that has come down from above?

"And Jesus came and said to them, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.”
Matthew 28:18-20

That is what we've been commanded to do. More to come...including pictures.

Day 1 in Oaxaca

2006-06-24T06:25:00.000-07:00

Well, we made it! This is our first morning in beautiful Oaxaca. We made it to Seattle fine on Thursday, but our flight to Houston was unable to land due to a thunderstorm. We diverted to San Antonia, sat on the plane for two hours, and finally left for Houston. We arrived to chaos (several planes had been stuck with us) and our flight to Oaxaca was either cancelled or gone. Long story short, we ended up at the biggest dive hotel for the night. Loren and Chris' room had blood on the wall...our room said "Kid Rock" on the mirror when it fogged up...it was impressive.

We went back to the airport the next day with the plan to catch a 11:30 pm flight. When we got there we discovered that the plane was very overbooked and we were on standby. At that point, we weren't sure that we'd get there before Sunday, when the rumor was that the next flight would leave. Then, HUGE miracle, seven people cancelled on a direct flight to Oaxaca. We were ON!! We spent all day Friday at the airport and hopped on a flight at 7, arrriving in Oaxaca last night at a little before 10. We stayed up late catching up with Nathan, had a sweet time of prayer in his backyard, and collapsed.

Today the plan is to check out downtown and all of the upheaval down there, try to find our luggage at the airport (did I say that we have NO luggage here?) and I'm not sure what else.

Thank you for all of your prayers. We are doing great, and ready to feel a little more like we're on a mission trip than "The Amazing Race". We'll be checking email a couple times here, so keep us posted on your lives. Keep lifting us up!

Psalm 96:3

2006-06-21T21:24:00.000-07:00

"All our bags are packed, we're ready to go..." Remember that tune? We are officially packed and ready to head off to sunny Mexico.

It's funny. Try this experiment out with your friends, family, and co-workers:

Question: "Where are you going on vacation?"
Answer: "Mexico."
Responses: "Don't get too much sun." "Don't drink too much." "Don't get thrown in jail." [My personal favorite.]
Clarification: "We are going there on a stm (short term mission)."
Response: "What are you building?" "What is your project?"

Dead silence.

What do you say to those things when all you are doing is going there to...fellowship with brothers and sisters in the Lord...? Truly, what do you say? Our hearts have been joyfully serious in the last week as we've struggled to discern what the Lord would have us do while south of the border.

Here are some verses that really touched Megan today about the purpose behind our stm:

"And when I came to you, brethren, I did not come with superiority of speech or of wisdom, proclaiming to you the testimony of God. For I determined to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ, and Him crucified. I was with you in weakness and in fear and in much trembling, and my message and my preaching were not in persuasive words of wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power, so that your faith would not rest on the wisdom of men, but on the power of God." 1 Corinthians 2:1-5

"If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing." 1 Corinthians 13:1-3

She said, "Many people have asked WHY we're going to Oaxaca. It would be so simple to say, "To build a church." How much more difficult to explain, "To build UP a church." I pray that we'd go down there with a heart like the Apostle Paul's."

And that is my prayer too.

I have to admit. I have been spiritually dead the last four days. My heart has been struggling to find joy in the Lord. I know what all the right answers are...I'm just having a hard time believing them right now. No, I haven't lost my faith, I just wonder what the Lord is doing with Megan and I at this point in our life together.

Increasingly we are dissatisfied with our American "church" experience. Church, and we know this, is not a building! It is a gathering of the elect saints of God. Those God has been gracious enough to reveal the glory of His Son, Jesus Christ. I think leaving the States will be positive for Megan and I as we try and discern what it means to be a disciple of the living God.

I can't wait to see my brother Nathan though and the brothers and sisters in Oaxca and the surrounding area. What will the Lord do in their midst? What will He do in the midst of my horrible crappy heart? For now I'll say as the Psalmist says:

"O Sing to the LORD a new song, For He has done wonderful things, His right hand and His holy arm have gained the victory for Him. The LORD has made known His salvation; He has revealed His righteousness in the sight of the nations. He has remembered His lovingkindness and His faithfulness to the house of Israel; All the ends of the earth have seen the salvation of our God." Psalm 98:1-3

That is our prayer.

Pregnancy Week 8

2006-06-21T21:06:00.000-07:00

GREAT news today regarding our pregnancy! We met with the perinatologist today. She did another ultrasound and baby looks great...growing good and strong heartbeat, and about eight weeks old. She said that with those indicators, it is very unlikely that I will miscarry 1st trimester (in the next four weeks). With that, she said I did not have to take progesterone! She had my latest bloodwork, and it all looked NORMAL!! She did order another five tubes of blood drawn to test for various other disorders that my regular OB didn't test for, but assuming those are good, we won't need heparin injections!! This was SUCH good news...

Otherwise, the plan is to ultrasound baby every four weeks to check for low amniotic fluid, slow growth, slow heartbeat, or anything else that might raise alarms, and go see Dr. McKenna every two weeks to check and be sure that my body isn't kicking into preterm labor. We'll probably start non stress tests at about 28-29 weeks, but she doesn't want to do those until she could do something about any signs of distress. She said she'd be very reluctant to take a 24 week old baby based on a machine's readings.

So, it went great. We see Dr. McKenna (my regular OB) right after we get back from Oaxaca, and then see her in mid-July and mid-August for ultrasounds.

Thank you SO much for all of your prayers. We do not take for granted the little flickering heartbeat we saw today, and know that every day we have this little one here is a blessing we are completely undeserving of (isn't every blessing?). We serve such a gracious God, and we are praising Him today. Thanks again for continuing to lift us, and this little one, up. If the Lord wills it, we'll be holding him or her come January.

Love,
Loren and Megan

Preparing for Oaxaca

2006-06-19T22:32:00.000-07:00

After a crazy day of trying to get ready to leave for Mexico (in just three days now!) we had such a sweet evening as a family. We ate dinner out on the deck, and just as we were finishing up the ice cream truck came by so the girls all got giant ice cream bars, which they ate down at the park while playing soccer with dad. It was one of those evenings that just seemed touched by the Lord. Thank you for all of your prayers. What a blessing to have such a sweet night in the midst of the chaos right now. Please keep 'em coming over the next two weeks!

Abby keeps learning new words. "Whatcha reading Mommy?" "Missionary. Go tell people 'bout Jesus." "I...AM...STOKED!" (If that last one doesn't tell you she's ALL Loren...) Jaime brought home a book of papers from first grade. One is a career sheet asking what she wants to be when she grows up. Now granted, this changes every few months, but right now it's a missionary. She even drew a picture of herself giving someone a Bible. Our prayer is primarily that our lives will glorify the Lord, but I pray, too, that in the process our girls will see Christ and believe.

Now it's off to bed before another day of packing...

Father's Day

2006-06-18T23:02:00.000-07:00

We all know what day it was today. It has been kind of an adjustment for Megan and I as we are getting used to being a blended family on her side. By God's grace we have a godly man in Larry that we can cherish the Lord together.

Tonight Sue (Megan's mom) provided a grand meal at her house for every one (Megan, Loren, Jaime, Emily, Abigail, Larry, Mason, Cheryl, Irene, and herself!). It is wonderful to watch God work His miracle one family gathering at a time. I could not help but think that the Lord has has loved us in an even more amazing way and include us in His family as adopted sons and daughters.

I came across this article from John Piper this weekend about our daddy in heaven. Its a good read and is only avaible for free until June 21st, 2006.

http://www.worldmag.com/articles/11958

Also, today was the last mission's meeting with the stm (short term mission) team. I was struck by what one guy was quoted as saying about our faith:

"Men choose a religion but a Christian is chosen by Jesus Christ."

Think about that.

The Minor Prophets

2006-06-17T18:27:00.000-07:00

Okay. I'm full of questions lately with no answers. Here is another one to ponder:

If you had to describe the majority of the prophets in the Bible with one or two words what would you choose and why?

Megan said intense. Loren said desperate.

What leads a man to cast down fire on the priests of Baal and then run away ask God to let Him die? What state is that person's heart?

"Now Ahab told Jezebel all that Elijah had done, and how he had killed all the prophets with the sword. Then Jezebel sent a messenger to Elijah, saying, “So may the gods do to me and even more, if I do not make your life as the life of one of them by tomorrow about this time.” And he was afraid and arose and ran for his life and came to Beersheba, which belongs to Judah, and left his servant there. But he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness, and came and sat down under a juniper tree; and he requested for himself that he might die, and said, “It is enough; now, O LORD, take my life, for I am not better than my fathers.”
1Kings 19:1-4

End of School Days 2006

2006-06-15T11:53:00.000-07:00

Well today has been rather eventful.

Emily graduated from kindergarten today, complete with cap and gown. I am officially through with the three trips a day school year! We survived!! And now I have two elementary students...wow. 25 with a second grader and first grader.

Here's a picture of her and her teacher Mrs. Korver. It will be about 2 years before we will blessed by Julie again on a daily basis. She has been a wonderful godsend to our children. She loves the Lord and obviously is a prayer warrior for the little ones.

Also...today...Megan...got us a new pet. A dog. A stray dog. A stray dachshund dog. She found it on our steps, so she claims. I'm more of the mind that she coaxed her into our house. No ID. No tags. No microchip. No good leads. Just an older, obviously nursing puppies doggie. We've found her what we hope is a good home and will only have her stay with us tonight. No, we don't have a name (temporary or otherwise) and yes, the girls want her to stay.

Tonight we also had youth event. Bowling at "Big Daddy's". It was fun. The kids are getting older. That is for sure.

Okay enough for tonight, but I'll leave you with this question. Okay two questions:

1. What is more important: correct doctrine or following Christ?
2. What has precedence: who Christ is or what He commanded His followers to do?

"A jealous and avenging God is the LORD; The LORD is avenging and wrathful. The LORD takes vengeance on His adversaries, And He reserves wrath for His enemies. The LORD is slow to anger and great in power, And the LORD will by no means leave the guilty unpunished. In whirlwind and storm is His way, And clouds are the dust beneath His feet. He rebukes the sea and makes it dry; He dries up all the rivers. Bashan and Carmel wither; The blossoms of Lebanon wither. Mountains quake because of Him, And the hills dissolve; Indeed the earth is upheaved by His presence, The world and all the inhabitants in it. Who can stand before His indignation? Who can endure the burning of His anger? His wrath is poured out like fire, And the rocks are broken up by Him."
Nahum 1:2-6

Week 6

2006-06-14T19:13:00.000-07:00

Okay. Last week, my HcG level was low but it rose on its own. This week my progesterone level is low and barely rising. Two weeks ago it was at 8.3. This week it's at 9.9. The range is 11-90. Basically, I am not even on the chart. Which means I now have to be on progesterone (don't ask how that works...you don't want to know!). The doctors are not sure right now if this is a sign I am going to miscarry or if it is my body not working right and bringing my levels up will sustain an otherwise healthy pregnancy. Time will tell. Until then, I get to experience a wonderful array of side effects ranging from severe headaches to rashes to swelling to facial hair (so if I have a beard next time you see me, that's why!). The prescription will probably be here on Friday, so we'll see how my body reacts then.

We had an ultrasound yesterday, and got to see the tiny flickering of baby's heartbeat. Other than that, the baby just looked like a small white bean on a sea of black. Baby is 5 millimeters, so there's not much to see. Our next ultrasound will be next Wednesday during our appointment with the specialist. We should know a lot more then.

In the beginning...

2006-06-14T19:06:00.000-07:00

Seeking 2026

"All Thy works shall give thanks to Thee, O LORD, And Thy godly ones shall bless Thee. They shall speak of the glory of Thy kingdom, And talk of Thy power; To make known to the sons of men Thy mighty acts, And the glory of the majesty of Thy kingdom. Thy kingdom is an everlasting kingdom, And Thy dominion endures throughout all generations."
Psalm 145:10-13

So, this is the Baker family blog, consisting of Loren, Megan, and our kids, Jaime, Emily, and Abigail. And the unborn child Megan is six weeks pregnant with. Here's your chance to learn all you can about HcG hormones, progesterone, non stress tests, and other wonders of high risk pregnancies.

By God's grace you will also get to walk with us as we seek the giver of life and true life. Our prayer is that you will laugh and cry with us as we learn to walk in Christ's steps and glory in the Salvation He has so freely and graciously given us. Truly our God is great and His love endures forever.

Keep seeking 2026!

Five Happy Bakers & One in the Oven