Pregnancy Week 22

We went to the doctor again on Wednesday and everything looked good. Dr. McKenna requested that my mom and Loren be there with me to discuss the rest of pregnancy and make some decisions, so we really got a good game plan for the next 16 weeks. Although we can't foresee the future or put limits on God, it's most logical to break it down into two categories.

PRETERM BIRTH: We'll start monitoring twice a week starting at 24 weeks. On Tuesdays I'll have an ultrasound and non stress test, on Fridays I'll have a doctor appointment and non-stress test. If at any point we start seeing problems (such as decreased heartrate, movement, or amniotic fluid), I'll most likely be admitted to Holy Family for monitoring. If we get to the point of needing to deliver, I'd be transferred to Sacred Heart and the baby would be delivered by c-section, unless it was emergent, and then I'd deliver at Holy Family and the baby would be airlifted to Sacred Heart. My doctor's office is at Holy Family, and the only doctors in labor and delivery are board certified OBs (no residents!) so that is where he wants me, and where we feel most comfortable.

FULL TERM BIRTH: Along with checking baby, the ultrasounds will also be monitoring my placenta. Basically, with the uterine scar from the previous c-section and my placenta right on top of it, I have about a one in three chance of getting placenta accreta, where the placenta grows into, and sometimes through, the uterus. If there are signs this is happening, I'll probably get an MRI to look further. If it is obvious that this has happened, I'll deliver by c-section, and more than likely have a hysterectomy. If they are unsure, I'll probably deliver normally, but have an epidural so that if there are complications then the doctor can get in very quickly. When your uterus starts to bleed (like it did when I had Abby) you usually lose a liter of blood a minute. The human body only has seven liters of blood in it, so you start to get a feel for the urgency of the situation. He has talked about having me deliver in an operating room, even if it's not a c-section, just to buy a little more time if there are complications. Right now, we're just waiting to ask more questions regarding a full term birth until we make it that far. But you can mark your calendars! He said we'll probably induce at 38 weeks and not push things any farther than that, which gives us a "last possible day" of January 16th!

So, things really are looking good right now. I'll be 23 weeks on Monday, which for us is a HUGE milestone! It marks the point at which a baby is delivered and goes to intensive care if problems arise. So as of next week, something can be done if our little girl starts having problems! (I know, not the news most parents get excited about, but our standards have shifted a bit.) We will also be meeting with a neonatologist (specialist with preemies) sometime soon to develop a relationship and get an idea of what to expect, should baby be born early.

And one more quick praise. With where the placenta lies, it pretty much covers all the nerves that allow you to feel the baby move. I was resigning myself to only feeling a few flutters from baby this pregnancy. Well, this week we hit a turning point, because now all of us can feel her moving in there. It's just another little love letter from the Lord.

I know I continue to say this, but thank you so much for your prayers. We know it is God alone that wills this little girl's heart to continue to beat, and He who is knitting her in my womb. Please continue to lift us up as we press on through the last weeks of this journey. We love you all, and are incredibly blessed to have so many people in our lives to love and support us.


Hope came home
Home to me today
And fear has run
The other way
Words are weak
They don't know how to say
"You know I still believe in you."

And should my dreams fall through
I will be safe with you
So with every breath I can breathe
I'll sing about how you love me
I'll sing about how you love me.

Bebo Norman

20 Week Update

I had an ultrasound yesterday, and for the most part, everything looked great. Our baby girl is still a baby GIRL. She is growing right on track and looks good. We go back in for our next ultrasound at 24 weeks.

The only thing that the ultrasound showed was that my placenta is anterior (in the front of my uterus). Normally, this would only mean that it is more difficult to feel the baby move, because all the nerves are on the front of the uterus, and it can cause pretty bad back pain in labor. The problem is that Jaime was born via c-section. Because of this, there is severely increased risk of a condition called placenta accreta, where the placenta actually begins to grow into or even through the uterus due to the uterine scarring. This sometimes shows up in an ultrasound, so we will continue to monitor it that way, but we might not know until birth. The implications range anywhere from a D&C to an emergency hysterectomy, depending on the amount of bleeding.

The other decision we are struggling with is when to begin NSTs (non-stress tests) and amniotic fluid level indexes through ultrasound. Both of these things have the potential of showing problems that would lead to a premature delivery. We had planned on starting at 28 weeks, but will decide in two weeks whether or not to bump that up. The risk is seeing something at 24 weeks and having to deliver, in spite of the severely increased risk of birth defects and infant death. On the other hand, if we choose not to monitor, we could end up with another stillbirth. I am leaning towards starting at 24 weeks, coinciding with our next ultrasound. It would mean having a doctor appointment and NST on Fridays and an ultrasound and NST on Tuesdays every week for the rest of pregnancy.

We covet your prayers as we continue to make difficult decisions regarding this child.

Pregnancy Week 20

This week marks the "halfway point" of pregnancy. It also marks a big week for our pregnancy. We have another ultrasound tomorrow, and a doctor appointment Wednesday. I have been having contractions off and on the last few weeks, and our doctor is discussing moving up the date to start monitoring me more closely. Right now the plan is to start very close monitoring, consisting of an ultrasound, non stress test, and doctor appointment each week, at 27 weeks. Yet with the contractions, we need to decide whether or not to bump up that date. The difficulty is that with the closer monitoring comes the chance that we will discover problems and need to deliver the baby. A baby CAN survive at 23 weeks (3 weeks from now) but it would be a lot better to get even three or four weeks past that.

Please pray for peace as we approach these decisions, as well as the time in pregnancy where we had so many complications with Jaime and Tirzah. Recently, I am having a hard time trusting in the Lord's plan for this baby. It is so difficult not knowing why Jaime went into fetal distress and Tirzah died, and feeling burdened by listening to my body every second, trying to determine if something is truly wrong.

I will keep you updated as we go to our appointments over the next two days. As always, thank you for your prayers.

Matt. 10:29 Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father.
Matt. 10:30 And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered.
Matt. 10:31 So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.

Zeph. 3:17 The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.

9/11

Deut. 32:39 ‘See now that I, I am He,
And there is no god besides Me;
It is I who put to death and give life.
I have wounded and it is I who heal,
And there is no one who can deliver from My hand.

This morning I read a commentary by Peggy Noonan reflecting on the final thoughts of those who died on that fateful day 5 years ago. It was a rather powerful article. She quote numerous people who died on that day. Her point was that no one really called to express hate at either their life or maybe more surprisingly at those who flew the planes into the buildings.

Now, I don't know if all the people she quoted actually spoke those words before dying. But what I realized is that those who died, died for a purpose. We cannot simply white-wash the truth of scripture as followers of Jesus Christ. There is purpose in death. Intense, eternal, weighty purpose in death and suffering.

Prov. 16:33 The lot is cast into the lap, But its every decision is from the LORD.

There is no such thing as coincidence. Each and every person that died from the hijackers themselves to the firefighters who rushed into the buildings was destined to die on that day. These are harsh, true words. If God is God. If the words of the law and the prophets are true then...

Psa. 139:16b in Thy book they were all written, The days that were ordained for me, When as yet there was not one of them.

As I think about this next Monday and what it means I can't help but be amazed that the same God who allows suffering and evil and killers to fly planes into buildings, is the same God that washed away the sin of the world. To think that our sovereign Lord loves us enough to allow suffering that we then see His glory is jaw dropping.

Job 40:4 “Behold, I am insignificant; what can I reply to Thee? I lay my hand on my mouth.

As followers of Jesus Christ may we never be ashamed at who God is. Yes, even the God that kills and makes alive. Let us not bastardize the Lord of Heaven and earth.

Happy Birthday, Tirzah

Love is letting go of your child, cherishing the brief life, rather than resenting it.

Happy 1st birthday in heaven, Tirzah Irene.

Remembering Tirzah...

When my heart is troubled and I am weighed down,
Then I like to think of how this lonesome world would be
If I could see your face, or hold you in my arms
If you were mine, if you were mine.

If you had a bad dream I would jump inside it,
And I would fight for you with all the strength that I could find.
I would lead you home by your tiny hand
If you were mine, if you were mine.

I would sing of love on the blackest night.
I would sing of God, and how His goodness fills our lives.
I would sing to you, ‘til the morning light
If you were mine, if you were mine.
(Fernando Ortega)

It's hard to believe that it was last Labor Day that Tirzah went to heaven...

We'd had a busy weekend, so by Labor Day, the whole family was ready for a day at home. We got up late and I made breakfast. For some reason, Loren and I started fighting during breakfast, so afterward we went out on the deck and talked. I began to cry and said that I was SO tired of being pregnant and I needed him to be home more. We didn't really settle anything, but sometime during the conversation I got to thinking that I hadn't felt Tirzah move around before I fell asleep the night before, which was usually her most active time. I decided to go lay down and do a kick count just to be sure everything was fine.

After about a half hour, she still had not moved. Loren brought me chocolate ice cream which I ate laying down. STILL nothing. We talked some more up in our room and I told him how scared I was that something was wrong (Jaime was born due to fetal distress at 29 weeks). He reassured me and we prayed together, and I went back to laying there. He decided to take the kids swimming, so they went across the street to a neighbor's house. I finally called the doctor, and they told me to lay there for another hour and call again. After 45 minutes, I gave up and had a shower. I called again and they told me to come in, just to be safe. I called my mom, who told me she'd come with me, just to keep me company. At that point I didn't really think anything was wrong, I was just annoyed I had to drive across town on Loren's day off just to be told everything was fine.

I went across the street and told him I was leaving and he offered to go with me. I told him no, to just stay with the kids and I'd be back soon. Like I said, neither of us really believed anything could be wrong. I mean, we'd lost three babies in the first trimester. I was "out of the danger zone."

I got to the hospital, only to discover someone from our church had just had a baby. There were several people from the church there. They asked me why I was there, and I just answered, "Oh, just for a non-stress test" and left it at that. I was escorted into a room, changed into a gown, and laid on the bed. My nurse (a WONDERFUL woman) came in and said they'd just start by listening with a doppler. She listened. And listened. After a few minutes she had one hand on my wrist and one on the doppler, my heart was pounding so hard, trying to discern if it was me or the baby.

Finally, she said that she was having trouble finding the heartbeat and she was bringing the doctor in. He came in with a portable ultrasound, and it only took a minute to determine. There was no heartbeat.

I started crying, and called Loren. He said he'd find someone to watch the kids and be there as soon as possible. I was in shock. I remember the nurse clearing out the hallway of everyone we knew, and had a security guard out there to be sure it stayed clear! She moved me to the last room at the end of the hall, and got me settled. Another nurse came in and started all the admission paperwork, asking me the same questions over and over. She was a drill sergeant. I alteranted between crying my eyes out and laughing my head off (my coping mechanism...sarcasm...). About the time that was done Loren arrived. My mom stepped out of the room, and he walked over the the bed, wrapped his arms around me, and we just bawled. The doctor came back in to discuss our options. After a lot of talking, we decided to induce. I couldn't bear going home still pregnant. They started an IV, and also started me on cervix ripeners. Once again, we were alternately laughing and crying. The lab tech came in to draw my blood and warned me it would hurt, as they were drawing 10 tubes to test for various conditions that would explain the loss. We just laughed. A needle stick was nothing compared to what we were going through. Everyone seemed to understand, though. Our nurse took it in stride, stroking my arm or bantering back, depending on the minute.

As it got later into the night, my mom went home, we turned out all the lights, and Loren laid down next to me on the hospital bed. We both alternated between sleeping, crying, and praying for the next nine and a half hours. Our nurse would come in and gently check on us, but we were pretty much left alone to grieve.

At three thirty, I woke up. I could feel that it was time. Loren called the nurse, and before the doctor could arrive our little girl was born. We decided not to hold her and spend time with her until I was all done (I bleed a LOT with deliveries) so she was taken away, and I finished the childbirth process. About an hour later, she was brought to us.

She had a shock of black hair, rosy lips, and tiny features. Amazing that at 17 weeks early she was still so completely developed, with impossibly small fingers and toes, a tiny button nose, and long arms and legs. Our nurse had dressed her in a little pink and white gown, crocheted hat, and little blankets. We held her, whispered to her, marveled at how little and beautiful she was. Eventually, we let her go.

Psa. 139:7 Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?
Psa. 139:8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
Psa. 139:9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,
Psa. 139:10 even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.
Psa. 139:11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,”
Psa. 139:12 even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.
Psa. 139:13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
Psa. 139:14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
Psa. 139:15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
Psa. 139:16 your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

How amazing, our little girl would be one year old this week. Happy birthday, Tirzah Irene!